So funnily enough I have found an old blog post from the abyss... So I thought I would share it with you all. This is me from over a year ago opening up about myself... I'm not sure how many people actually read it or what not.. But here you go, you can see in a year I haven't actually gotten any better or much better. Enjoy x
I often wonder how life would be if I had been born a male, I mean, would my life have been easier? Would I suffer less depression, anxiety and be less scared to leave my house?
I have many insecurities… All which pinpoint to me being born a female. So surely if I had been born a male I wouldn’t of suffered so much in life… Right??
I mean we could do a scan over what makes me the kind of person to hide behind the internet, and a fake facade of the person I am on the internet compared to the actual me in person, but would anyone really care? Would you even listen or just scan over it? Let’s give it a whirl anyway, just incase anyone feels like actually getting to know anything personal about me..
– I’ve never been attractive, like I have never considered myself attractive… Not once in my life.This I feel stems from always being told as I was growing up that I am not attractive, and of course there was that year.. and half I think where I had that nasty skin condition that basically made it look like I sniffed glue everyday. It was real bad, and I was super self concious about it, to which everyone liked to point it out and avoid me like I was contagious or something… Like I would of been in school if it was contagious guys… Seriously.
– I had long, frizzy, untameable hair… Which really got me down when everyone else had lovely smooth straightened or perfectly curled hair… I mean… SERIOUSLY we were all like 12, was I the only kid at 12 that didn’t see the point of getting up extra early to plaster make up on and straighten my annoyingly long curly hair???
– Brings me to… I often woke up late, so I didn’t get a chance to eat, I was sleep deprived at all times so I had bags under my eyes all the time and I often forgot to brush my teeth… Which wouldn’t occur to me till I was practically at school already.
– Once I hit puberty, I put on some chub… I hated it, but my momma kept telling me that it would go away and that it was just puppy fat and everyone got it when they hit puberty….. there were so many stick girls in my year it was unreal… WHY DID YOU LIE TO ME MOTHER!
– I was really quiet, I didn’t like talking from the get go at secondary school, I assume that is why I was targeted for bullying, because I was quiet, unnoticeable… I mean I am just speculating here.
– The only thing I really had at this point were boobs, as no one took the time to try and get to know me and make me laugh.
– So I find that my boobs are the only thing that anyone notices upon meeting me.
– Nobody sees my now soft, youthful, radiant skin.
– My charming yet goofy smile that dimples.
– My big joyful eyes when I talk about something I love.
– My funny personality.
– Everybody sees my boobs… I’ve been objectified ever since I grew the buggers, so now it feels and seems like nobody sees anything other than my boobs.
– I get objectified when I go out drinking, go out anywhere really.
– It makes me scared and sick to the stomach.
– It’s like I’m not even a person to these people.
– As tough as I may come across to people, inside I am a scared little girl when I have to go out on my own anywhere… It is horrible and I hate relying on others to help me through my bloody day to day activities that I have to do, being an adult and everything.
– I see how people look at me, well my chest mostly.
– I don’t like it, I hate it.
– I often cry in public toilets wishing I had been born a male.
– I don’t like people touching me. It actually makes my stomach turn, violently.
– I get super uncomfortable when people are staring at me.
– I actually feel sick to my stomach if someone is watching me eat.
– Sudden movements towards me actually make me panic because of past trauma when I was a bit younger.
– Because of something that happened when I was only 16 years old, I grew up thinking that I had to give sex to any man I dated because it was their right to sleep with me, and if I rejected I was abnormal.
– I am always scared when a guy jokingly goes to play fight with me, scared that he will hurt me and then say its my fault for being so stupid and annoying.
– I have 2 older brothers that would of helped me, stepped up to defend me as I was growing up from these bad guys I have had in my life, if I had only had the courage to tell them what had been going on.
– But I am a coward., an insecure coward, who was subjected to rape and physical abuse.
– I will always fear that I will die alone.
– I have a bad bad habit of pushing people away, especially when I am hurting real bad.
– I bottle everything up until one day I explode, a switch flips and I become hella crazy
– I actually despise myself that much that when somebody says they like me I cringe and feel sick at the thought.
– I don’t like change… even the smallest of change scares the fuck out of me.
– Other than family members Josh is the only male I have ever loved at the same level
– Josh is the only boyfriend I’ve ever truly loved to the degree I would take a bullet for him.
– Swanny is the only true best friend I’ve ever had in my life. I’m 25 years old, we’ve been friends since 2009.
– I often worry that my emotional unstableness annoys everyone in my life, including my family.
– I would probably die of a broken heart if swanny ever died or left me.
– I class swanny and jiggly my two best friends as family.
– I have suicidal thoughts 9/10ths of the day
– I often hate living and breathing
– I have very violent thoughts about killing everyone in my life that has ever bullied or hurt me badly… Like you don’t even want to know the violence that goes on up there.
– I actually love all animals, I love animals so much that I hold their lives higher than a humans life… example, if I was to come across say… an unconscious man or woman in a burning building and say a dog… The dog would be rescued and I would leave the man or woman.
– A child’s life is so precious to me that I literally love all kids, and I would castrate anyone I found out to be harming children in any way.
– I spend a lot of my time having meltdowns, includes the hyperventilating and shit too.
Now, I know most people probably scanned that to see if there was anything juicy on me in there, really I’m just a pitiful loser by sounds of what I wrote haha.
For anyone who actually took the time to get to know a bit about me, thanks man. You are a cool cucumber, and I hope we stay friends forever, I need more people like you in my life.
So yeah, I'm not really that different from a year ago, other than I tend to keep myself to myself even more so now.. and I'm a bit harder to get outside of the house too.
Love to you all! xx