I’m going to do my mental health post a day early this week. This here is Jenny, who I keep trying to tell is a very VERY brave and strong lady who I admire greatly. I know I don’t take compliments and words of wisdom too well but I hope she reads this and understands what an amazing woman she is, and coming forward and speaking as much as she has about what she goes through is amazing, I love her honesty here and it honestly made me want to fight whoever caused so much pain for her. So instead of the usual Q&A she has been an absolute diamond and answered the questions… But so that it’s more of a story coming straight from her mouth. Give it a read and enjoy! x
Hey there! My name is Jenny Jumratie, I am 22 and currently living with my boyfriend and his parents. I am really into marvel and I LOVE books, I love to read and I am actually an author to a book I wrote (Forever & Always) a few years ago for Stand Up 2 Cancer UK. I wrote it in a month and managed to raise £380 which is still to this day my proudest achievement. I other wise really struggle to describe myself, mostly because of what I am going through and how lost I feel.
I can’t go into my whole back story because unfortunately still to this day there is some stuff that I’m still working through. I am sure you can appreciate where I am coming from.
I’m going to give you the list I have been given by my doctors and what I actually feel I have.
- Severe PTSD,
Severe depression and anxiety disorder I got diagnosed when I was 16/17 but believe it actually started way before. Years on and off many different antidepressants and many attempts on my life and self harm scars covering my arms, I can’t really say how I felt being diagnosed with them because until last year I was really confused.
I wouldn’t say it has affected my life until the other factors, which I will go on to talk about came back into my life. I still managed to hold down a job no matter how bad I felt and still continued to support my friends through what they were going through.
Until last year in September/October my seizures started rather explosively and I spent the better part of the month literally out of it. Eventually I was diagnosed with non epileptic seizure disorder, they believe it was a psychological issue and it was my body’s way of trying to make me remember something I had been blocking out for most of my life. Sounds strange doesn’t it? Suddenly the job I was managing to hold down I no longer could, the friends started disappearing as soon as things got rough. I then was having to deal with my declining mental health and I actually attempted suicide. To this day if it wasn’t for my boyfriend walking into our room when he did, I wouldn’t be here typing to you now.
I know what you are probably thinking… What is that event or what did I try to block? I can’t really go into what I’m about to tell you because I’m still working through it and don’t really understand or have come to accept, but from the ages of 6 till November 2016 I was sexually and emotionally abused by two different, but at the time very important, well so I thought people in my life.
Flash backs have been a constant for me for the past 6 months and I have only just managed to slow down, the seizures are still happening, in fact, I had a few this morning and as a result of everything? Welcome my PTSD.
Now this was weird for me when I got diagnosed because I truly believed that PTSD is what happens when you have been in the army or something similar. I would never call myself an average person but I didn’t think someone like me would ever get it. It’s gotten to the point for me now where I really struggle leaving the house and I am just working on a routine, but every day is a different struggle. I don’t really have that much of a life now, but it’s something I understand is going to take a while to rebuild.
I’m seeing a psychiatrist soon so keep your fingers crossed for me. I do believe people treat me a lot more different now to when I just had depression and anxiety, at first I believed them when they said that I was too hard to handle and actually that it was my fault but I don’t know. Someone who used to be my best friend for the best part of 7/8 years, someone who I over and over again stated that she was my sister and nothing less now barley speaks to me. Towards the end of our friendship she was constantly getting me to apologise for letting her down, or failing her trust when the reality is that she did that to me.
I had to explain over and over again how sick I was but she wouldn’t respect it and told me over and over again that she doesn’t want to view me as sick because its inconvenient for her. She was making me feel so guilty and so bad it wasn’t until my current boyfriend told me that every time I speak to her I end up apologising for stuff I shouldn’t that I realised. I still cant believe that she is no longer a constant in my life any more, and sadly after everything I have a real trouble trusting people.
This is the part that makes me cry when ever I attempt to come close to having an answer for it but the advice that I would have? I am so sorry if this Is too bad or unrelatable but it would be what I learnt years ago. Imagine there’s a 4 year old you in front of you now, everything you are saying to yourself now or believing would you put it on them? For me I feel like I let myself down, I’m what’s known as a functional person with severe suicidal thoughts. I am a constant risk and I’m hurting myself and everyone around me, but I would like to think some day I will make people, but most importantly myself, proud.
My future plans and goals are, and as sad as this will sound to most people but its honestly, to be happy. I’m having to take it literally day by day, when my seizures are bad I’ve legit had to get my boyfriend or someone to supervise me in the bath and have actually had to wash and feed me before now. If I can make it to the other side, I want to be happy, have a job so I can support myself and one day maybe even write again.
Thankyou for taking the time to read!
Thanks Jenny, that was super insightful. I know you don’t like talking about your past trauma and stuff and this has been a real eye opener for me at least. I feel like you have let down some walls and I feel like we are closer because of this.
For anyone who wants to get a glimpse at more posts I have left a linky at the bottom of the post to Jenny’s Blog. Thanks for reading and I wish you a good day!