Now, I don't know how organised this post will actually be as I'm having to do it from my phone with a very poorly 2 year old clinging to my leg with a sick bowl rested next to him... but I did promise I would put this post up and I like to keep my promises if possible.
So for anyone that knows me on a close personal level (not many people actually) you may of noticed I'm a little spaced, little not here kind of thing.. like I'm constantly in my own world. Well, I'm due to go for an assessment this week and there is a possibility that I may not be coming home from the assessment.
I hate admitting that I'm unable to cope with daily activities, I hate asking for help and I hate having to rely on tablets so that I can actually be allowed in public. I refuse help from close friends and family even though I know they mean well, I feel weak, vulnerable amd useless. It just highlights to me all the qualities in myself that I loathe.
I like to believe that I can be this amazing adult, gets all the house work done, cooks amazing home cooked meals, smiles and laughs a lot but the truth is, I sometimes can' even stop myself from feeling like I'm drowning, I had to force myself into a bath to wash my hair... I'm not enjoying anything not even the taste of food, which my partner has been an absolute god send and taken over the cooking duties for now.
He is worried about me, about me not coming home, he keeps saying that I don't seem bothered if I come home or not but the thing is I am bothered by it... it scares the absolute shit out of me that I won't be there for my 3 amazing boys when they need me.
I really feel sorry for my partner, I'm not the most affectionate person anyway but I'm even less so at the moment because constantly in my head is... I'm going to have to go away and he' going to leave me, he' finally going to have just had enough of my crazy and leave.
I know I'm being paranoid right now but I am in a turmoil of emotions and I'm starting to act a bit reckless so even I am concerned this time as to how my assessment will pan out....
So if you dont hear from me from Friday onwards... eventually I will be back and just know you are all awesome and brave people. And I love you all.