Hey again, I'm back at yet another obscure hour because my 2 year old isn't feeling well still. I thought I would delve into a bit of my past, now I don't really like talking about my past, and the trauma I have had but I feel it gives you a better understanding of why I'm the way I am right now ... this day. I haven' suffered as horribly as other people but to me I've suffered enough that I feel it accounts to some of my personality so here we go... back to the past again!
I've always been a pretty timid child, large crowds have always scared me amd I've never really spoke much, so I can kinda understand why I have always been the target for bullying and only recently have I realised it was never MY fault but theirs.
I was picked on milday from year 3/4 in school, the usual kind of name calling and oh don't play with her... childish bullying. When I got to secondary school I was under this false illusion that it would change and I'd make friends and have a good time whilst excelling in school. The first year of secondary school I unfortunately had to take some time off school because a close friend of mine, in fact the only friend I had then committed suicide after his parents got divorced. I won' delve fully into that as it gives me nightmares and I've never recovered and the thought makes me sick, put it this way, I witnessed his dead body and it was not something an 11/12 year old should of ever had to witness.
Anyway I got back to school and naturally I wasn't just the same quiet person, I was now feeling depressed and not sleeping well. So I would nap at school as well. The bullying commenced again but a little more hurtful, I was already in a delicate emotional place as it was. It died down a bit and then I made some friends ... or that is what I thought. These new friends were now picking on me and I couldn't understand why or what I had done to upset them so much that they'd pick on me. So I distanced myself a little, they'd say let's hang out and then ditch me up town where I would often go to the toilets and sit with my fit up on the seat crying to myself asking what I had done. I stopped talking to anyone, I stopped making new friends... I closed myself off to everyone at school and even to everyone at home. The bullying escalated and escalaTed to the point of physical violence, one boy punched me in the face to which I walked out of school and went home... to which the school then punished me for. I was tormented daily at school and when I got home from school on the Internet. I just didn' know what was wrong with me that everyone laughed as I was this pitiful person who nobody wanted to help.
I'd had enough, I made several attempts on my life and was self harming more than once a day. My parents had finally had enough and got me to see a psychiatrist for my issues. I was in a horrible place and it was like no one wanted to help me. Nobody cared about me. No one at school cared that I was failing most subjects, that I dreaded being there and that I was suffering so bad. They didn't care that I'd made attempts on my life, that I'd run away from home.
Now this is a very touchy subject for me, I usually leave it at I was harshly bullied in school and leave it at that but I thought I'd go into a little more detail and even though talking about it brings up bad memories and feelings and cripples me I feel that this has mainly contributed to who I am today.
I have trust issues, I cringe when people say they like me, I can't accept that someone wants to genuinely be my friend and hang out with me. I'm scared to go outside. Physical violence terrifyes me. Compliments make me uncomfortable. People who are legit supposed to be there to support you, but I can't trust they will actually help me if and when I need it. Me personally, I feel that if I hadnt been bullied o that extent, if I hadn't witnessed horrific things or had bad things done to my young body.. I feel I wouldn't be as messed up as I am today.
I'm gonna go cry into a tub of ice cream whilst cursing out all the bad poisonous people that have ever been in my life now.
Love to you all!