Hello again my lovelies, welcome back to my blog. I'm sorry I've been non existant, I've been having a bad few days, with zero energy and motivation and I've just been trying to deal with that shit. I'm sorry this will more than likely happen again, I can assure you of that.
So, I feel that I'm always having to apologise for the way I act, things I say, things I do.. so it's common for me to utter the words "I'm sorry" at least 30+ times a day. I'm often told to stop apologising so much which will get an extra sorry out of me. It's one of my qualities that I really hate, that I'm basically just constantly apologising for absolutely everything in life. Even if it's not my fault and I know it's not my fault. People think I'm just overly polite when in actual fact I'm not, it's just a default setting and I say it without even thinking about it anymore.
Now, the real people that I feel I will have to apologise to for the way I am and how I act for the rest of my life are my 3 children. A constant fear of mine is that 1 of them if not all of them will somewhat gain some of my mental health issues later in life, it petrifies me, I'm actually terrifyed about it and it often gives me nightmares. My partner thinks I'm being silly worrying before anything has even been confirmed, but as you may all know, I'm good at worrying so why would I quit?
Our eldest I'm the most concerned for, because he shows signs of aggression, not being able to handle his emotions when he used to be able to do it so well, lack of interest in a lot of things that used to interest him, periods of black outs where he hurts someone else but doesn't remember it so completely breaks down into tears. Now this kid is 5 years old, so yeah it's probably just usual kid stuff, going through changes ect but it springs red flags at me all the time because he acts how I act sometimes... I mean it could be as simple as he's just seen me do it and he has now copied it, I sincerely hope that it's just that because we can rectify that... But in my head, I've failed as a parent for not protecting him from such things like this, even though I know it's not something I can control, I feel that I have failed because I had children and potentially could of passed things on like that.
Now I know a lot of you are probably thinking, loads of people with mental health issues have kids and everything turns out fine, and I hear you on that but it's always a fear for us parents, in the back of our mind we're always looking for signs, we're always questioning and worrying about their behaviour so that they don't suffer in silence for as long as some of us may of. It's not something we can get rid of, and yeah maybe if we were going to worry like this and question everything that maybe we should of thought it through a bit better, but a lot of us if not all of us feel like it's changed us for the better having children.
Before I had children I had attempted suicide a total of 27 times, I self harmed every day, I had a drinking problem, and I impulsively spent all my money all the time, couldn't hold a job down (still can't now) and strived for recognition from very bad people.
I met my partner when I was 17, I had just come out of a very bad relationship for me, I was impulsive, I didn't think it through, but it was probably the only impulsive thing I've done in my life that was good for me. Yeah, we may of broke up a few times in between because of me, but we're together and he's made it clear that it's not happening again, he's not letting me push him away anymore. That's what I need in my life, I need the stability of someone looking me in the face whilst holding me by the shoulders shaking me, telling me that they aren't going to leave, and that I can't make them leave.
Almost 9 years later, I have only attempted suicide twice, I have random spouts of self harming, I ha a drinking problem when I was 21/22 for a few months, I still impulsively spend, but it's not as bad as before, I can't hold a job down at the minute, paid or unpaid, I need to find the right medication to help me out I think, and I no longer strive for recognition from other people, I have 2 friends who I depend on, that's enough for me. There's no bad people in my life anymore, toxic people have been cut out, it's made me feel a little better in myself.
So, for anyone who's just been diagnosed with mental health issues, waiting on a diagnosis, let me tell you. YOU ARE AWESOME AND BRAVE AND STRONG, YOU GOT THIS.
I wish more people told me that I'm brave, that I'm strong and that I've got this. Not, it's not the end of the world, it could be worse, and you'll get through it.. you're an adult now it will be easier.
No, it's not the end of the world, but to someone who's just been given a diagnosis like this it feels like it's the end of the world. Do you know how many people change their attitude towards you if you tell them you have a mental health issue that you have to disclose to employers? It's disheartening to have someone in an interview love you, then find out that you have a mental health problem and suddenly look at you like you're dirt on their shoe, it's an awful feeling. Yes, it could be worse, but that doesn't down play how bad it is to feel like the whole world is out to get you daily, it doesn't make you feel better knowing that it could be worse because to you at that very moment, this is the worst for you. Yes, I am an adult, and yeah, I probably will get through my bad spell, I usually do, sometimes I need help but that's fine... Just because I'm an adult doesn't mean I can handle this any better than when I was a kid, in fact... as a kid my parents made the decisions for me, I never had bills, I never had debt, I wasn't allowed to have anything that would cause debt because of my impulsive personality problem, now as an adult... There's no one making decisions for me, I have bills, I have a lot of debt because of my impulsive personality problem...
I know that the people who make these remarks mean well, but it just doesn't get delivered as well as you think to people whose world constantly feels like it's imploding.
So, mental health suffers, Yes, it's pretty bad now, you're life may be imploding on itself right now and you have EVERY SINGLE RIGHT to feel this way, you have every right to be mad, sad, defeated... But just know, it does get better, it does get easier, you will get through this not because you're an adult, but because you are a strong, brave and awesome person and You Got This!
Thanks for being here guys and girls.
Love to you all!