Hello, welcome again to my blog, this is a pretty short post today, I just needed to get some things off my chest and hope that it makes me feel less overwhelmed today, I'm not entirely sure that it's worked but at least I'm not holding it all in anymore.
I just want to be alone, I don't want to talk to anyone, I don't want to do anything, I just want to sit with my thoughts for a bit, a few days of just nothing but trying to sort through the thoughts that run into and around my head. But it's so hard to be alone without coming across as I'm pushing everyone away, I just need some self healing time, I feel like I'm a burden and that I'm hurting everyone around me daily at the moment and that has a huge impact on my brain, that gives voices to the monsters inside my head and that's what I'm trying to get away from right now. Is it selfish of me to want to mend myself?
I'm like a cat, I'm trying to lick my own wounds and heal but it seems that everyone is making that hard for me to do and depending on me, I can't even depend on myself or trust myself right now, I can't make the correct decisions, I can't even remember half of what I do or say anymore, I'm mixing my reality with actual reality... Fantasy and real life.. And it's leaving me exhausted, hazy, confused and in pain.
I may sometimes seem like I'm fine right now, but I'm not, I'm still in this dark place, I haven't clawed my way out, I miss who I used to be, I miss how I used to be, But I can not be this person right now, I need to deal with my demons, I keep running from them, I keep hiding from them but the more I do this the bigger the explosion inside me is everytime, I need to deal with these inner demons before they take a hold of me and cause me to do things that I don't want to do.
I just wish I could put this all in simpler forms for everyone to understand, I don't understand my own head so how could I possibly expect anyone else to understand what happens inside there, and be able to make sense of anything.
I just wish that I would be passed over quickly for a psychiatrist.
Love to you all!