I'm still on Hiatus, it's just whilst it's all in my head I needed to share to make me feel less emotional. I'm a bit of an emotional downpour today, I fell into the rabit hole of self doubt and it brought up past things that really scarred me so today, I'm going to share some of my past with you all. Trigger warning is in place for this post as it may trigger some people themselves. So read at your own risk, thank you for always coming here, reading and supporting me through my blog, facebook, instagram and twitter. You are all appreciated and I love you all so much.
Hello again my faithful followers, who come and read what thoughts cross my mind, don't know why you keep coming back to this disorganised and quirky mess but thank you all the same.
I can't recall what I have mentioned in my past posts, I did try scanning some that I thought might contain the information that I needed but I can't find anything haha so I'll go from zero for you all! Even readers just joining us recently. :)
I am from what I would call a large family, in respect to other people I know my age. I have 3 brothers and 1 sister, I had a happy childhood, my parents love me and always have done, my mom and dad may not of said the correct things sometimes when I tried to kill myself or self harm but they meant well and they always mean well. My brothers may not say the right things sometimes but they get that from my dad, no filter. I know inside they don't mean some of the things they say, doesn't stop it from hurting sometimes though.
I have suffered pretty severe depression from a young age, to which now doctors believe is a split personality disorder from most likely past trauma, which we'll delve into don't worry. I've tried to end my life over 30 times and I'm 26 years old, I have self harmed so much that I have scars on the tops of my legs, my sides, and all up my arms (predominately on my left arm) Am I ashamed of these scars? It's not that I'm ashamed at all, I'm embarrassed that I'm weak like that. Weakness should not be shown so freely in my twisted head. I don't like to cry in front of people, I hate it, I'm an ugly crier, and I just feel burdomsome to everyone around me, it's awkward and unpleasant. I would rather bite my own tongue and lip and pinch my leg and cause bruises than cry in front of someone.
I have pretty severe memory lapses now (adult hood memory lapses) I can remember pretty much most things before I turned 19 that had an effect on me as a person, and it's those events that probably shaped my mental health issues, I mean I'm just speculating but it's possible and the doctors also seem to think that it could be correct.
Growing up through school, I was called fat, ugly and useless and as the saying goes "If you tell someone that they are stupid enough times they will eventually believe it" well that is what happened. I developed a complex and I primarily focus on picking myself apart and focusing in on certain things like my weight, my face, my boobs, my crappy personality. I focus in on them and I try and destroy myself over them because nothing is ever good enough. I had a best friend upon entering secondary school, he was the best thing that ever happened to me. All the hell I was enduring trying to get used to secondary school didn't matter because I had him to laugh with. Just as we got into our second year at secondary school his parents decided to divorce, they would have blazing arguments even whilst I was at his house. He became withdrawn, a recluse, he stopped eating, he stopped going out and eventually he took all the medication from the medicine cabinet, with a bottle of his mom's cheap vodka, he sliced all up his arms. This was traumatic for me because I had come round to his house to see him, I found him, dying. I hesitated and what always plays in my mind even to this day is if I hadn't hesitated and the ambulance crew could of gotten there faster, would he still be alive today? (I'm going to have to stop on this one particular event because it was so traumatic for me that it panics me and I have nightmares and usually harm myself)
When I was 15/16 years old I was seeing someone that was older than me by a couple of years. I had him force himself on me, and when I told him no... He punched me and pinned me down, he pulled my clothes off and told me that it was his right as my boyfriend to do this and that it was how adult relationships worked. I knew no different, but after it all I developed another complex, I always assumed that I had to have sex with people who I was in a relationship because it was their given right to do so because what other use was I?
I was in a relationship similar to this after that one, but instead of raping me he used to punch me, he used to tie me to things and use me as a punch bag, he used to hit me in places he knew nobody would see because he knew I had 2 older brothers who would of killed him if they found out. He used to cut me, in a very delicate place, and if I cried in pain he would punch me again. I escaped finally. I was in and out of relationships for a while.
So now as a person, I try and destroy good things, because I don't feel I am deserving, I pick myself apart, I am irrational, I flinch around people who make fists, I cringe at people touching me most of the time, I second guess every one and their kindness, I can't accept compliments, I'm overly emotional at times, I often fall into a rabit hole of self doubt and if someone doesn't yank me out I go further and further and reach a point of where I spiral out of control. I'm impulsive, My personality is split, I feel fractured. And I don't understand why anyone stays around me because I cause more harm than good.
Now I've off loaded this I feel slightly better. I hope this wasn't too chaotic for you to read, but does give you a little more of an understanding to how I am as a person etc.
Love to you all!