Saturday, 14 July 2018

Thoughts of Today.

  I'm still on Hiatus, it's just whilst it's all in my head I needed to share to make me feel less emotional. I'm a bit of an emotional downpour today, I fell into the rabit hole of self doubt and it brought up past things that really scarred me so today, I'm going to share some of my past with you all. Trigger warning is in place for this post as it may trigger some people themselves. So read at your own risk, thank you for always coming here, reading and supporting me through my blog, facebook, instagram and twitter. You are all appreciated and I love you all so much.

  Hello again my faithful followers, who come and read what thoughts cross my mind, don't know why you keep coming back to this disorganised and quirky mess but thank you all the same. 

I can't recall what I have mentioned in my past posts, I did try scanning some that I thought might contain the information that I needed but I can't find anything haha so I'll go from zero for you all! Even readers just joining us recently. :)

I am from what I would call a large family, in respect to other people I know my age. I have 3 brothers and 1 sister, I had a happy childhood, my parents love me and always have done, my mom and dad may not of said the correct things sometimes when I tried to kill myself or self harm but they meant well and they always mean well. My brothers may not say the right things sometimes but they get that from my dad, no filter. I know inside they don't mean some of the things they say, doesn't stop it from hurting sometimes though. 

  I have suffered pretty severe depression from a young age, to which now doctors believe is a split personality disorder from most likely past trauma, which we'll delve into don't worry. I've tried to end my life over 30 times and I'm 26 years old, I have self harmed so much that I have scars on the tops of my legs, my sides, and all up my arms (predominately on my left arm) Am I ashamed of these scars? It's not that I'm ashamed at all, I'm embarrassed that I'm weak like that. Weakness should not be shown so freely in my twisted head. I don't like to cry in front of people, I hate it, I'm an ugly crier, and I just feel burdomsome to everyone around me, it's awkward and unpleasant. I would rather bite my own tongue and lip and pinch my leg and cause bruises than cry in front of someone. 

  I have pretty severe memory lapses now (adult hood memory lapses) I can remember pretty much most things before I turned 19 that had an effect on me as a person, and it's those events that probably shaped my mental health issues, I mean I'm just speculating but it's possible and the doctors also seem to think that it could be correct.

  Growing up through school, I was called fat, ugly and useless and as the saying goes "If you tell someone that they are stupid enough times they will eventually believe it" well that is what happened. I developed a complex and I primarily focus on picking myself apart and focusing in on certain things like my weight, my face, my boobs, my crappy personality. I focus in on them and I try and destroy myself over them because nothing is ever good enough. I had a best friend upon entering secondary school, he was the best thing that ever happened to me. All the hell I was enduring trying to get used to secondary school didn't matter because I had him to laugh with. Just as we got into our second year at secondary school his parents decided to divorce, they would have blazing arguments even whilst I was at his house. He became withdrawn, a recluse, he stopped eating, he stopped going out and eventually he took all the medication from the medicine cabinet, with a bottle of his mom's cheap vodka, he sliced all up his arms. This was traumatic for me because I had come round to his house to see him, I found him, dying. I hesitated and what always plays in my mind even to this day is if I hadn't hesitated and the ambulance crew could of gotten there faster, would he still be alive today? (I'm going to have to stop on this one particular event because it was so traumatic for me that it panics me and I have nightmares and usually harm myself) 

  When I was 15/16 years old I was seeing someone that was older than me by a couple of years. I had him force himself on me, and when I told him no... He punched me and pinned me down, he pulled my clothes off and told me that it was his right as my boyfriend to do this and that it was how adult relationships worked. I knew no different, but after it all I developed another complex, I always assumed that I had to have sex with people who I was in a relationship because it was their given right to do so because what other use was I? 

  I was in a relationship similar to this after that one, but instead of raping me he used to punch me, he used to tie me to things and use me as a punch bag, he used to hit me in places he knew nobody would see because he knew I had 2 older brothers who would of killed him if they found out. He used to cut me, in a very delicate place, and if I cried in pain he would punch me again. I escaped finally. I was in and out of relationships for a while. 

  So now as a person, I try and destroy good things, because I don't feel I am deserving, I pick myself apart, I am irrational, I flinch around people who make fists, I cringe at people touching me most of the time, I second guess every one and their kindness, I can't accept compliments, I'm overly emotional at times, I often fall into a rabit hole of self doubt and if someone doesn't yank me out I go further and further and reach a point of where I spiral out of control. I'm impulsive, My personality is split, I feel fractured. And I don't understand why anyone stays around me because I cause more harm than good.

Now I've off loaded this I feel slightly better. I hope this wasn't too chaotic for you to read, but does give you a little more of an understanding to how I am as a person etc. 

Love to you all!
Terri =(^.^)=
xoxo

Thursday, 28 June 2018

I'm such a bad blogger.

  Sorry, I know I've missed my posts this week, unfortunately I was hit with some delightful heat stroke so have been on the sofa with no clothes on with a high temperature of 39.9 which has only just gone down.... So, now that we are past my awfulness I will do a quick whip up of the posts that I should of posted this week so you don't feel like I've slacked off because of a bit of sun, okay?


  Tuesday's Post  -  Mealtime with the Whitehouses, now unfortunately I don't have a lot to throw at you if I'm honest, I took no pictures because I was dying on the sofa looking like an anime character who has a fever with a cold flannel on my forehead....

It was minted Lamb burgers and chips (I tried to eat my tea, I managed a burger before chucking that back up later on and J completed his 2 burgers plus mine)

Wednesday - Gymtastic - Unfortunately there is no update of this for this week because I have been dying on my sofa looking like a damn anime character.

Thursday - Item review! Now I'm bummed I haven't been able to do anything for this because I really love reviewing shit. I will be grabbing some pics and typing up a good review now I'm better though of this moisterising with self tanner in it when I get a chance this week. (Probably just pop it up on next weeks review day to be honest)

Now we're all up to date, I will post like normal later, I feel 10x better than the other day, my temperature has come down and I'm not as anime character looking as I have been... Still a bit red faced and very warm, but I'm staying hydrated thanks to good ole Mr Whitehouse who's been taking care of me and reminding me to drink and stuff.

Back to normal on the posts now.

Love to you all
Terri =(^.^)=
xoxo

Monday, 25 June 2018

Blogtastic

So I thought I'd try something different so it's not all doom and gloom on here. I hope you enjoy

☆Motivational Monday☆
☆Meal time at the whitehouses☆ Tuesday
☆Gym Fanatic☆ Wednesday
☆Item Review☆ [product,game ect] Thursday
☆Mental Health Blues☆ [my mental health journey] Friday
☆Caturday & Dogday☆ [cute dogs and cats] Saturday
☆Funday!☆ [something fun we did this week] Sunday

This way, there will be 7 posts per week and it's not all doom and gloom.

We will start with a short motivational Monday ... What motivates you lto? ? Like seriously I need ideas!!! I have so much to do in the house and what not but zero motivation to do any of it ... so hit me up with some motivation loves


LOVE TO YOU ALL!
Terri =(^.^)=
Xoxo

Wednesday, 13 June 2018

Home Sweet Home

  I am home! After being away since April, I have finally moved back into my house completely... I'm not sure how my sleep will be tonight, but I'm glad to be home, I've missed my partner, the kids and our furry children as well.

  I was a little worried about coming home, I'm in a funny place again, I don't think the medication is working but the nurse thinks otherwise. I've got to ring up about getting in to see the psychiatrist and start my proper long ass journey to recovery and learning to cope and stuff. Bit daunting if I'm honest, I hate speaking on the phone to anyone and I'll have to basically tell them what's gone on ... I've already had to tell 7 different people to be where I am now, on anti-depressants that don't bloody work properly.

  I started back at the gym, it kind of lifts my moods a little, but I don't know, it doesn't keep them lifted I'm depressed about nothing, and it really bugs me. I've gotten into a habit of hating myself again, looking at my body and having horrible thoughts, been having horrible flash backs to when I was a teenager and the way I felt when that guy raped me... How it pretty much shaped all future relationships with men. I have been having all kinds of horrible thoughts, and the terrible ones have been popping up a lot more frequently, before I moved back into my house... So I think maybe I do need to seek out some councilling for past shit that I never dealt with properly when it happened. Maybe I am permanently scarred by these things, I doubt there is anything I can do about them now though, right?

  I'm going to start doing my Vlogs as well, more so for myself, it won't actually bother me if nobody watches them, I hate my face and voice as well so it's perfectly ok for you to as well!

Anyway, that's it for now, thank you all for being patient as I have been pretty absent recently, I've had a bad few weeks and lacked motivation to do anything or say anything, but I feel I'm in a little bit of a better place at the time of writing this blog post, that could all change come morning but hey ho.

Love to you all!
Terri =(^.^)=
xoxo

Thursday, 31 May 2018

I'm Sorry



  I'm sorry, I've been like a missing person these past couple of weeks. It's nothing you've done I promise, and I haven't fallen completely off the wagon just yet! So, I will tell you how I'm getting on right now.

  I had my house broken into, whilst I wasn't there so I now have severe paranoia being in my house and downstairs alone at night, great fun that is to add to my already existing issues, the medication isn't working, I'm all over the place, my thoughts have gotten a little darker the past few days, I have literally had to fight with myself over the urge to self harm (I'm not kidding, it's like an addiction that you just can't shake, like ever) My relationships feel a little strained at the moment. I feel unwelcome and weird no matter who's house I'm at, which is something I don't want to feel, but I don't know, it's just how I'm feeling right now.

  My kids and the animals miss me like crazy, my 5 year old has been acting out like a teenager, my animals have been nibbling themselves when I'm not here, my dog isn't eating properly unless I'm here. I've started the slow process of me going home, and it's making me anxious, I'm on the 2nd week which means 3 nights at home and 4 at my parents. I haven't started any kind of therapy, honestly it makes me incredibly anxious, I don't want to tell my problems to a stranger, I don't want them to know what goes on in my head, I'm scared of what goes through my head so I try and spare other people from that. It's fucking dark in there at the best of times.

  I guess I'm kind of giving up hope again slowly, the medication isn't working, I'm getting bad again, I hate having to go back to the doctors and say it, I said at my last appointment that I wasn't feeling any better and she kind of just shrugged her shoulders at me and told me to hold out for few more weeks and to get into therapy.

  I feel like I'm slowly losing it again, I don't want to go back down the rabbit hole, I thought I could finally see some light above but now I don't know, I'm lost and confused...

Thursday, 3 May 2018

General Update and Stuff

  Good day all! Welcome back to my little space of hell on the internet. I hope you enjoy your stay, please read, follow and share. Also hit me up on twitter : tottzilla Thanks! x

 General update time! Yay..

I started on some medication recently, it's an anti-depressant. So far it's made me little whoozy, floaty and sleepy, but I promised I would give it a few weeks to kick in properly before I dished some serious criticism on them. At the moment I'm only on 7 day prescriptions for the tablets, basically to see how I'm getting on with them and so that I have a good support system at the doctors as well as home and stuff.. So I will do as I am told, I'll let them work their magic.

  I've been a bit, here and there honestly, my moods are still fluctuating and there isn't a middle ground, I think I would cope better if I just had a middle ground to be honest. I was a bit absent last week because I've been really poorly past few weeks with my chest (to which I'm being sent for an x ray on my chest and further investigation into whether I've developed asthma or not as well) Then, as you all know I've been staying at my parents whilst receiving my treatment and putting things into place, as you may know my dad has 2 dogs, Tyson and Missy.. I grew up with them and Missy in particular was my best friend, when I've been sad or my moods have been haywire, I'd come to missy, we'd cuddle and she'd kiss my cheek and everything would feel like it will be better. I did this even after I moved out of my parents house when I had my first child. Friday last week we had to take her to the vets because she became very poorly and swollen all on the one side of her body. To which we then found out that she had a tumour sort of chest/shoulder area which was causing pressure on the nerves and that's where the swelling came from. She was alread 12/13 years old and the vet gave us the scenario that even after surgery, chemo and possible amputation that she might not even make it out okay in the end, so my parents made the decision to not put her through the stress and pain (she really gets worked up going to the vets) She couldn't walk and the vet said from what he could feel it felt like the tumour was at least half the size of her head. That's a fucking big tumour, she wasn't a big dog, she was a staffie cross. We had to have her put to sleepp, it was the kindest thing my parents could do to her. So I guess I've been a little weird since, I'm big on animals, I actively donate, money and time and fight for animals, I value their lives above humans and always have done.

  So that's why I've been absent, may say weird things and act funny right now. I'm not sure how to deal with the loss of my best friend, she was literally the world to me, always happy to see me, always missed me, she's been helping me relax and keep my moods levelish. Tyson bless him has been keeping me company and letting me spoil him and fuss him when I'm feeling a little out of sorts and I love him to pieces but she was my baby, she used to sleep in my bed with her head on my pillow and everything. I literally have nightmares at night of her as she's going to sleep, I have the constant image of when they started to give her the stuff as she fell onto her side, every time I close my eyes, every time I try and go to sleep.

  I think it will take me some time to get used to her not being here, I keep waking up or going into a room and expecting her to be wagging her tail and looking at me with such affection... I guess, people just don't understand how much this has affected me, to some people she's just a pet, to me she was like a child, a part of the family... I have just lost a member of my family and I'd appreciate it if people stopped trying to down play on that.

Anyway enough ramblings, Sorry I'm being a depressive tool again. Please come back though!

Love to you all!
Terri =(^.^)=
xoxo

Sunday, 22 April 2018

Exhausted now..

  Hello, welcome again to my blog, this is a pretty short post today, I just needed to get some things off my chest and hope that it makes me feel less overwhelmed today, I'm not entirely sure that it's worked but at least I'm not holding it all in anymore.   

  I just want to be alone, I don't want to talk to anyone, I don't want to do anything, I just want to sit with my thoughts for a bit, a few days of just nothing but trying to sort through the thoughts that run into and around my head. But it's so hard to be alone without coming across as I'm pushing everyone away, I just need some self healing time, I feel like I'm a burden and that I'm hurting everyone around me daily at the moment and that has a huge impact on my brain, that gives voices to the monsters inside my head and that's what I'm trying to get away from right now. Is it selfish of me to want to mend myself?

  I'm like a cat, I'm trying to lick my own wounds and heal but it seems that everyone is making that hard for me to do and depending on me, I can't even depend on myself or trust myself right now, I can't make the correct decisions, I can't even remember half of what I do or say anymore, I'm mixing my reality with actual reality... Fantasy and real life.. And it's leaving me exhausted, hazy, confused and in pain.

  I may sometimes seem like I'm fine right now, but I'm not, I'm still in this dark place, I haven't clawed my way out, I miss who I used to be, I miss how I used to be, But I can not be this person right now, I need to deal with my demons, I keep running from them, I keep hiding from them but the more I do this the bigger the explosion inside me is everytime, I need to deal with these inner demons before they take a hold of me and cause me to do things that I don't want to do.

  I just wish I could put this all in simpler forms for everyone to understand, I don't understand my own head so how could I possibly expect anyone else to understand what happens inside there, and be able to make sense of anything.

  I just wish that I would be passed over quickly for a psychiatrist.


Love to you all!
Terri =(^.^)=
xoxo