Wednesday, 13 June 2018

Home Sweet Home

  I am home! After being away since April, I have finally moved back into my house completely... I'm not sure how my sleep will be tonight, but I'm glad to be home, I've missed my partner, the kids and our furry children as well.

  I was a little worried about coming home, I'm in a funny place again, I don't think the medication is working but the nurse thinks otherwise. I've got to ring up about getting in to see the psychiatrist and start my proper long ass journey to recovery and learning to cope and stuff. Bit daunting if I'm honest, I hate speaking on the phone to anyone and I'll have to basically tell them what's gone on ... I've already had to tell 7 different people to be where I am now, on anti-depressants that don't bloody work properly.

  I started back at the gym, it kind of lifts my moods a little, but I don't know, it doesn't keep them lifted I'm depressed about nothing, and it really bugs me. I've gotten into a habit of hating myself again, looking at my body and having horrible thoughts, been having horrible flash backs to when I was a teenager and the way I felt when that guy raped me... How it pretty much shaped all future relationships with men. I have been having all kinds of horrible thoughts, and the terrible ones have been popping up a lot more frequently, before I moved back into my house... So I think maybe I do need to seek out some councilling for past shit that I never dealt with properly when it happened. Maybe I am permanently scarred by these things, I doubt there is anything I can do about them now though, right?

  I'm going to start doing my Vlogs as well, more so for myself, it won't actually bother me if nobody watches them, I hate my face and voice as well so it's perfectly ok for you to as well!

Anyway, that's it for now, thank you all for being patient as I have been pretty absent recently, I've had a bad few weeks and lacked motivation to do anything or say anything, but I feel I'm in a little bit of a better place at the time of writing this blog post, that could all change come morning but hey ho.

Love to you all!
Terri =(^.^)=
xoxo

Thursday, 31 May 2018

I'm Sorry



  I'm sorry, I've been like a missing person these past couple of weeks. It's nothing you've done I promise, and I haven't fallen completely off the wagon just yet! So, I will tell you how I'm getting on right now.

  I had my house broken into, whilst I wasn't there so I now have severe paranoia being in my house and downstairs alone at night, great fun that is to add to my already existing issues, the medication isn't working, I'm all over the place, my thoughts have gotten a little darker the past few days, I have literally had to fight with myself over the urge to self harm (I'm not kidding, it's like an addiction that you just can't shake, like ever) My relationships feel a little strained at the moment. I feel unwelcome and weird no matter who's house I'm at, which is something I don't want to feel, but I don't know, it's just how I'm feeling right now.

  My kids and the animals miss me like crazy, my 5 year old has been acting out like a teenager, my animals have been nibbling themselves when I'm not here, my dog isn't eating properly unless I'm here. I've started the slow process of me going home, and it's making me anxious, I'm on the 2nd week which means 3 nights at home and 4 at my parents. I haven't started any kind of therapy, honestly it makes me incredibly anxious, I don't want to tell my problems to a stranger, I don't want them to know what goes on in my head, I'm scared of what goes through my head so I try and spare other people from that. It's fucking dark in there at the best of times.

  I guess I'm kind of giving up hope again slowly, the medication isn't working, I'm getting bad again, I hate having to go back to the doctors and say it, I said at my last appointment that I wasn't feeling any better and she kind of just shrugged her shoulders at me and told me to hold out for few more weeks and to get into therapy.

  I feel like I'm slowly losing it again, I don't want to go back down the rabbit hole, I thought I could finally see some light above but now I don't know, I'm lost and confused...

Thursday, 3 May 2018

General Update and Stuff

  Good day all! Welcome back to my little space of hell on the internet. I hope you enjoy your stay, please read, follow and share. Also hit me up on twitter : tottzilla Thanks! x

 General update time! Yay..

I started on some medication recently, it's an anti-depressant. So far it's made me little whoozy, floaty and sleepy, but I promised I would give it a few weeks to kick in properly before I dished some serious criticism on them. At the moment I'm only on 7 day prescriptions for the tablets, basically to see how I'm getting on with them and so that I have a good support system at the doctors as well as home and stuff.. So I will do as I am told, I'll let them work their magic.

  I've been a bit, here and there honestly, my moods are still fluctuating and there isn't a middle ground, I think I would cope better if I just had a middle ground to be honest. I was a bit absent last week because I've been really poorly past few weeks with my chest (to which I'm being sent for an x ray on my chest and further investigation into whether I've developed asthma or not as well) Then, as you all know I've been staying at my parents whilst receiving my treatment and putting things into place, as you may know my dad has 2 dogs, Tyson and Missy.. I grew up with them and Missy in particular was my best friend, when I've been sad or my moods have been haywire, I'd come to missy, we'd cuddle and she'd kiss my cheek and everything would feel like it will be better. I did this even after I moved out of my parents house when I had my first child. Friday last week we had to take her to the vets because she became very poorly and swollen all on the one side of her body. To which we then found out that she had a tumour sort of chest/shoulder area which was causing pressure on the nerves and that's where the swelling came from. She was alread 12/13 years old and the vet gave us the scenario that even after surgery, chemo and possible amputation that she might not even make it out okay in the end, so my parents made the decision to not put her through the stress and pain (she really gets worked up going to the vets) She couldn't walk and the vet said from what he could feel it felt like the tumour was at least half the size of her head. That's a fucking big tumour, she wasn't a big dog, she was a staffie cross. We had to have her put to sleepp, it was the kindest thing my parents could do to her. So I guess I've been a little weird since, I'm big on animals, I actively donate, money and time and fight for animals, I value their lives above humans and always have done.

  So that's why I've been absent, may say weird things and act funny right now. I'm not sure how to deal with the loss of my best friend, she was literally the world to me, always happy to see me, always missed me, she's been helping me relax and keep my moods levelish. Tyson bless him has been keeping me company and letting me spoil him and fuss him when I'm feeling a little out of sorts and I love him to pieces but she was my baby, she used to sleep in my bed with her head on my pillow and everything. I literally have nightmares at night of her as she's going to sleep, I have the constant image of when they started to give her the stuff as she fell onto her side, every time I close my eyes, every time I try and go to sleep.

  I think it will take me some time to get used to her not being here, I keep waking up or going into a room and expecting her to be wagging her tail and looking at me with such affection... I guess, people just don't understand how much this has affected me, to some people she's just a pet, to me she was like a child, a part of the family... I have just lost a member of my family and I'd appreciate it if people stopped trying to down play on that.

Anyway enough ramblings, Sorry I'm being a depressive tool again. Please come back though!

Love to you all!
Terri =(^.^)=
xoxo

Sunday, 22 April 2018

Exhausted now..

  Hello, welcome again to my blog, this is a pretty short post today, I just needed to get some things off my chest and hope that it makes me feel less overwhelmed today, I'm not entirely sure that it's worked but at least I'm not holding it all in anymore.   

  I just want to be alone, I don't want to talk to anyone, I don't want to do anything, I just want to sit with my thoughts for a bit, a few days of just nothing but trying to sort through the thoughts that run into and around my head. But it's so hard to be alone without coming across as I'm pushing everyone away, I just need some self healing time, I feel like I'm a burden and that I'm hurting everyone around me daily at the moment and that has a huge impact on my brain, that gives voices to the monsters inside my head and that's what I'm trying to get away from right now. Is it selfish of me to want to mend myself?

  I'm like a cat, I'm trying to lick my own wounds and heal but it seems that everyone is making that hard for me to do and depending on me, I can't even depend on myself or trust myself right now, I can't make the correct decisions, I can't even remember half of what I do or say anymore, I'm mixing my reality with actual reality... Fantasy and real life.. And it's leaving me exhausted, hazy, confused and in pain.

  I may sometimes seem like I'm fine right now, but I'm not, I'm still in this dark place, I haven't clawed my way out, I miss who I used to be, I miss how I used to be, But I can not be this person right now, I need to deal with my demons, I keep running from them, I keep hiding from them but the more I do this the bigger the explosion inside me is everytime, I need to deal with these inner demons before they take a hold of me and cause me to do things that I don't want to do.

  I just wish I could put this all in simpler forms for everyone to understand, I don't understand my own head so how could I possibly expect anyone else to understand what happens inside there, and be able to make sense of anything.

  I just wish that I would be passed over quickly for a psychiatrist.


Love to you all!
Terri =(^.^)=
xoxo

Thursday, 19 April 2018

Exotic Zoo In Telford

  G'day folks, welcome back to my blog. Today it's not all doom and gloom it is a review! Yesterday me and my best friend decided to visit the Exotic Zoo! Enjoy my lovelies. x

  So, yesterday me and my best friend decided to visit the Exotic Zoo in Telford, it's been there like a year and I haven't once been inside nor has he so we thought we'd pop a long and see what it was like.

  Upon getting there we had some confusion on the parking, and we were a bit lost having to go through the garden centre itself to get to the zoo, but trust me once you find it you'll be pleased, I guarantee.

  The pricing is great value, it's £2.50 per child and £3.50 per adult AND there's quite a few animals for you to look at. So I say this is good value for that cheap price. Currently they're building a penguin enclosure, I mean penguins are amazing, for me the only thing that would make this place the best place ever is if they got sharks as they're my favourite animal. But obviously a little hard to do as they're such big creatures.

  Upon coming in you're greeted by a friendly staff member who will take your payment to enter, in the entrance part there's some animal skeletons and fossils (which are super duper awesome to look at) When you step out into the zoo, on the left hand side to kick start your great experience you'll be greeted by these friendly and cute little chaps.
Meerkats, and yes... they have some baby Meerkats right now and they are just as adorable and fun to watch as you are thinking right now.

  The place is easy to navigate, and deceptively bigger than it looks. They have a lovely selection of animals for everyone, there's a nocturnal part where you can go and see (if your night vision is great I mean - It was a sunny day so our eyes couldn't adjust well enough) Bush baby (super cute) There's bats or bat, I could only see the one but Bats are usually pretty social creatures so I'd imagine they have more than just the one I saw, which was a biggun! There's cute little sugar gliders and a hedgehog.

  There's a section for the people who aren't afraid of snakes and spiders, they have 8 Black widows, which are super cool and a red kneed tarantula, obviously if you're not a fan of spiders like me these might freak you out even if they are behind a very thick piece of glass. My mom seems to think that this still isn't enough containment for her to go see them haha! They have beautiful snakes, there was this one, I can't quite remember the name but the scales were like a bluey green and it glistened, the snake was absolutely magnificent to look at.

  There's a super friendly miniature donkey who came over to say hello to me whilst his miniature horse pal was off on the other side of the enclosure enjoying to sun and a bit of a munch. We saw some funny little guys, armadillos, one was trying to climb up and escape and making these adorable little noises. We had a rooster with the most beautiful feathers following us around, he was a bit like a tour guide, he even saw us off as we left. 

This funny poser climber up to the top of his branch when we went round the corner so that he could still see us, Looked gorgeous and was friendly, he/she was clicking at me and tilting their head as a friendly gesture. There's some owls which were obviously sleeping when we went there because of them being nocturnal and all.

  2 ring tailed lemurs being playful in their enclosure, which if you don't know are actually on the endangered species list now (so whenever a zoo takes in animals like that to help keep them safe I must applaud them because lemurs are such beautiful creatures) There's some grumpy looking marmosets who were happy to see us.

  These little adorable things were curled up like this the whole time we were there but honestly, it was so sweet I couldn't even be upset that I didn't get to see them running around being playful.

  There is a big list of animals there, these are just a few. There's also turtles, tortoise, little tiny crocodile, a grumpy looking toad wallowing in some water, Wallaby's - yeah, there's quite a few of them cuties. Red and Silver foxes, we were only lucky enough to catch a glimpse of the silver one but maybe next time we'll be able to see the red one also.

  The staff that we encountered everywhere were all super friendly and willing to help, on our way towards the exit one of the staff members was holding a meerkat that we could greet and give a little stroke on their head, which was lovely.. They're so soft and that one in particular was so friendly to me. A couple of meerkats were sharing an enclosure with a skunk (which have adorable faces and beautiful markings) they were all taking a little nap together.


  Overall, our experience was amazing, the animals were well fed, well cared for and friendly, the staff were all friendly and happy to help with whatever we needed, the whole experience was definitely value for money. Honestly I'm waiting for the penguins to come and then I'll be visiting again (that's not to say that I might not go visit a few more times in between)

I highly recommend this to anyone in telford, it's just in Priorslee where the garden centre is, it's a fun experience for adults and children.

Love to you all!
Terri =(^.^)=
xoxo





Sunday, 15 April 2018

Not too bad.. Today.

  Hey all, welcome back to my blog, hope you enjoy the stay. Here is a general hey, this is how I'm doing etc. Enjoy.x

  So, as promised I will give you all an update on myself.

I'm not too bad, today at least. I'm still having quite a few bad days where I feel sensitive and very emotional and I feel a little out of control, but overall I'm feeling a bit better than I was feeling almost 2 weeks ago.

  Yep! That's right, I've been at my parents now for almost 2 weeks to start my recovery and guess what? I still haven't been able to get in at the doctors to sort out the much needed fucking anti depressants for my recovery (go figure right, not like it's an emergency for me since being with crisis team or anything)

  As for my recovery plan, it's as follows.
- I'm to do at least 3 hours per week of vigerous exercise (apparently it's to help boost my moods)
- I'm to socialise at least once a week with people other than the ones living at my parents.
- Start my meds (I'd have to get in at the doctors first)
- Start my talking therapy.
- Start my behavioural therapy.
- Get assessed for personality disorders by the Psychiatrist in charge of my case.
- Self love, find one thing a day that I like about myself (for that day- today I quite like my face)
- Do more stuff for me, hobby wise. SO, I've taken my drawing back up, my singing back up, photography back up... I've been a little more active on Instagram and Twitter. Facebook can suck it, that's just my platform to spread my blog and pictures of my kids and animals. And memes, we can not forget the memes.

It's a pretty healthy care plan, it's nothing too taxing on myself, I mean the socialising one might be a bit woo, because my anxiety flares up at just the mere mention of going outside and talking to people I don't talk to too often. I need to get more fresh air, because I'll get some kind of deficiency if I stay in any longer, haha.

  SO, there is my general update on my recovery, it's not going too badly, if only I could get into the damn doctors to sort my medication out, then I think it will really get rolling.

Hope I didn't bore you too much, I know some people wanted to see how my recovery was getting on, how I'm doing and feeling now. Might help someone who goes through something similar too.

Love to you all!
Terri =(^.^)=
xoxo

Saturday, 14 April 2018

Weird Place..

Hey, welcome back to my boring/emo blog where mostly dark things enter into here to hopefully go and find someone else to bother for a bit. Enjoy your stay.

  So, you know how I said that I tend to enter into dark parts, and I do this pretty frequently? Well here is a song my band did a few years ago now (unfortunately I don't have a copy of the audio - shame really it was a rock song so just try to imagine the drums and guitar in the background) So.. the lyrics haha.

Creeping, crawling, 
through the hallway of my thoughts.
I hear you, screaming, 
& I'm falling.
Fading into darkness,
screaming, and waging war
with my inner demons.

Remember, the little girl.
So full of hope,
so full of smiles.
Remember that little girl,
as I finally, Lose my mind.

Please save me, 
from myself,
this hell I live,
is something I can't control
Please save me,
from my inner demons,
as they take over every thought I have
and I'm dancing with the devil himself.

Dancing, so dangerously,
to the edge of a bridge,
the voices won't fade away,
they're trying to drag me in,
I'm drowning, I'm suffocating, 
I need you to pull me out,
before i'm sucked in.

Remember, the little girl,
Such a big heart,
so loving,
remember that little girl,
as i finally, lose my mind.

Please save me, 
from myself,
this hell I live,
is something I can't control
Please save me,
from my inner demons,
as they take over every thought I have
and I'm dancing with the devil himself.

Shaking, trembling,
the bottle is my new best friend,
I can't breath,
I can't think straight,
and you are not here.
I'm spiralling,
&the demons, are gonna take take take it all.

Remember, the little girl
She's calling you,
she's pleading for your help.
remember that little girl
as i finally, lose my mind.

Please save me, 
from myself,
this hell I live,
is something I can't control
Please save me,
from my inner demons,
as they take over every thought I have
and I'm dancing with the devil himself.

So sit tight, 
Please don't let me give in to it,
I'm chasing after you, 
I need you to fight 
I need you to make me stay,
I need to feel your loving embrace.
And please don't let me fade away.

Please save me, 
from myself,
this hell I live,
is something I can't control
Please save me,
from my inner demons,
as they take over every thought I have
and I'm dancing with the devil himself.

  Let's just throw this down the reason that the band split up really was because of me, they didn't like my lyrics in any of our songs (there were darker songs than this trust me) They didn't think it was ''cool'' that I was this little ball of fuck and nopes so inevitably went off to do their own things, I hold no resentment but if anyone plays drums, guitar, bass, keyboard hit me up and we can start a band ;) I can only do vocals I don't have the talent to play an instrument. I would really love to get back into music (rock band kinda thing) I miss singing and stuff.

I hope you enjoyed the little snippet from my past, and seriously I want to get back into my rock music and form myself a rock band again. SO PLEASE HELP ME ACHIEVE THAT GOAL. 

Love to you all.
Terri =(^.^)=
xoxo