Saturday, 14 July 2018

Thoughts of Today.

  I'm still on Hiatus, it's just whilst it's all in my head I needed to share to make me feel less emotional. I'm a bit of an emotional downpour today, I fell into the rabit hole of self doubt and it brought up past things that really scarred me so today, I'm going to share some of my past with you all. Trigger warning is in place for this post as it may trigger some people themselves. So read at your own risk, thank you for always coming here, reading and supporting me through my blog, facebook, instagram and twitter. You are all appreciated and I love you all so much.

  Hello again my faithful followers, who come and read what thoughts cross my mind, don't know why you keep coming back to this disorganised and quirky mess but thank you all the same. 

I can't recall what I have mentioned in my past posts, I did try scanning some that I thought might contain the information that I needed but I can't find anything haha so I'll go from zero for you all! Even readers just joining us recently. :)

I am from what I would call a large family, in respect to other people I know my age. I have 3 brothers and 1 sister, I had a happy childhood, my parents love me and always have done, my mom and dad may not of said the correct things sometimes when I tried to kill myself or self harm but they meant well and they always mean well. My brothers may not say the right things sometimes but they get that from my dad, no filter. I know inside they don't mean some of the things they say, doesn't stop it from hurting sometimes though. 

  I have suffered pretty severe depression from a young age, to which now doctors believe is a split personality disorder from most likely past trauma, which we'll delve into don't worry. I've tried to end my life over 30 times and I'm 26 years old, I have self harmed so much that I have scars on the tops of my legs, my sides, and all up my arms (predominately on my left arm) Am I ashamed of these scars? It's not that I'm ashamed at all, I'm embarrassed that I'm weak like that. Weakness should not be shown so freely in my twisted head. I don't like to cry in front of people, I hate it, I'm an ugly crier, and I just feel burdomsome to everyone around me, it's awkward and unpleasant. I would rather bite my own tongue and lip and pinch my leg and cause bruises than cry in front of someone. 

  I have pretty severe memory lapses now (adult hood memory lapses) I can remember pretty much most things before I turned 19 that had an effect on me as a person, and it's those events that probably shaped my mental health issues, I mean I'm just speculating but it's possible and the doctors also seem to think that it could be correct.

  Growing up through school, I was called fat, ugly and useless and as the saying goes "If you tell someone that they are stupid enough times they will eventually believe it" well that is what happened. I developed a complex and I primarily focus on picking myself apart and focusing in on certain things like my weight, my face, my boobs, my crappy personality. I focus in on them and I try and destroy myself over them because nothing is ever good enough. I had a best friend upon entering secondary school, he was the best thing that ever happened to me. All the hell I was enduring trying to get used to secondary school didn't matter because I had him to laugh with. Just as we got into our second year at secondary school his parents decided to divorce, they would have blazing arguments even whilst I was at his house. He became withdrawn, a recluse, he stopped eating, he stopped going out and eventually he took all the medication from the medicine cabinet, with a bottle of his mom's cheap vodka, he sliced all up his arms. This was traumatic for me because I had come round to his house to see him, I found him, dying. I hesitated and what always plays in my mind even to this day is if I hadn't hesitated and the ambulance crew could of gotten there faster, would he still be alive today? (I'm going to have to stop on this one particular event because it was so traumatic for me that it panics me and I have nightmares and usually harm myself) 

  When I was 15/16 years old I was seeing someone that was older than me by a couple of years. I had him force himself on me, and when I told him no... He punched me and pinned me down, he pulled my clothes off and told me that it was his right as my boyfriend to do this and that it was how adult relationships worked. I knew no different, but after it all I developed another complex, I always assumed that I had to have sex with people who I was in a relationship because it was their given right to do so because what other use was I? 

  I was in a relationship similar to this after that one, but instead of raping me he used to punch me, he used to tie me to things and use me as a punch bag, he used to hit me in places he knew nobody would see because he knew I had 2 older brothers who would of killed him if they found out. He used to cut me, in a very delicate place, and if I cried in pain he would punch me again. I escaped finally. I was in and out of relationships for a while. 

  So now as a person, I try and destroy good things, because I don't feel I am deserving, I pick myself apart, I am irrational, I flinch around people who make fists, I cringe at people touching me most of the time, I second guess every one and their kindness, I can't accept compliments, I'm overly emotional at times, I often fall into a rabit hole of self doubt and if someone doesn't yank me out I go further and further and reach a point of where I spiral out of control. I'm impulsive, My personality is split, I feel fractured. And I don't understand why anyone stays around me because I cause more harm than good.

Now I've off loaded this I feel slightly better. I hope this wasn't too chaotic for you to read, but does give you a little more of an understanding to how I am as a person etc. 

Love to you all!
Terri =(^.^)=
xoxo

Thursday, 28 June 2018

I'm such a bad blogger.

  Sorry, I know I've missed my posts this week, unfortunately I was hit with some delightful heat stroke so have been on the sofa with no clothes on with a high temperature of 39.9 which has only just gone down.... So, now that we are past my awfulness I will do a quick whip up of the posts that I should of posted this week so you don't feel like I've slacked off because of a bit of sun, okay?


  Tuesday's Post  -  Mealtime with the Whitehouses, now unfortunately I don't have a lot to throw at you if I'm honest, I took no pictures because I was dying on the sofa looking like an anime character who has a fever with a cold flannel on my forehead....

It was minted Lamb burgers and chips (I tried to eat my tea, I managed a burger before chucking that back up later on and J completed his 2 burgers plus mine)

Wednesday - Gymtastic - Unfortunately there is no update of this for this week because I have been dying on my sofa looking like a damn anime character.

Thursday - Item review! Now I'm bummed I haven't been able to do anything for this because I really love reviewing shit. I will be grabbing some pics and typing up a good review now I'm better though of this moisterising with self tanner in it when I get a chance this week. (Probably just pop it up on next weeks review day to be honest)

Now we're all up to date, I will post like normal later, I feel 10x better than the other day, my temperature has come down and I'm not as anime character looking as I have been... Still a bit red faced and very warm, but I'm staying hydrated thanks to good ole Mr Whitehouse who's been taking care of me and reminding me to drink and stuff.

Back to normal on the posts now.

Love to you all
Terri =(^.^)=
xoxo

Monday, 25 June 2018

Blogtastic

So I thought I'd try something different so it's not all doom and gloom on here. I hope you enjoy

☆Motivational Monday☆
☆Meal time at the whitehouses☆ Tuesday
☆Gym Fanatic☆ Wednesday
☆Item Review☆ [product,game ect] Thursday
☆Mental Health Blues☆ [my mental health journey] Friday
☆Caturday & Dogday☆ [cute dogs and cats] Saturday
☆Funday!☆ [something fun we did this week] Sunday

This way, there will be 7 posts per week and it's not all doom and gloom.

We will start with a short motivational Monday ... What motivates you lto? ? Like seriously I need ideas!!! I have so much to do in the house and what not but zero motivation to do any of it ... so hit me up with some motivation loves


LOVE TO YOU ALL!
Terri =(^.^)=
Xoxo

Wednesday, 13 June 2018

Home Sweet Home

  I am home! After being away since April, I have finally moved back into my house completely... I'm not sure how my sleep will be tonight, but I'm glad to be home, I've missed my partner, the kids and our furry children as well.

  I was a little worried about coming home, I'm in a funny place again, I don't think the medication is working but the nurse thinks otherwise. I've got to ring up about getting in to see the psychiatrist and start my proper long ass journey to recovery and learning to cope and stuff. Bit daunting if I'm honest, I hate speaking on the phone to anyone and I'll have to basically tell them what's gone on ... I've already had to tell 7 different people to be where I am now, on anti-depressants that don't bloody work properly.

  I started back at the gym, it kind of lifts my moods a little, but I don't know, it doesn't keep them lifted I'm depressed about nothing, and it really bugs me. I've gotten into a habit of hating myself again, looking at my body and having horrible thoughts, been having horrible flash backs to when I was a teenager and the way I felt when that guy raped me... How it pretty much shaped all future relationships with men. I have been having all kinds of horrible thoughts, and the terrible ones have been popping up a lot more frequently, before I moved back into my house... So I think maybe I do need to seek out some councilling for past shit that I never dealt with properly when it happened. Maybe I am permanently scarred by these things, I doubt there is anything I can do about them now though, right?

  I'm going to start doing my Vlogs as well, more so for myself, it won't actually bother me if nobody watches them, I hate my face and voice as well so it's perfectly ok for you to as well!

Anyway, that's it for now, thank you all for being patient as I have been pretty absent recently, I've had a bad few weeks and lacked motivation to do anything or say anything, but I feel I'm in a little bit of a better place at the time of writing this blog post, that could all change come morning but hey ho.

Love to you all!
Terri =(^.^)=
xoxo

Thursday, 31 May 2018

I'm Sorry



  I'm sorry, I've been like a missing person these past couple of weeks. It's nothing you've done I promise, and I haven't fallen completely off the wagon just yet! So, I will tell you how I'm getting on right now.

  I had my house broken into, whilst I wasn't there so I now have severe paranoia being in my house and downstairs alone at night, great fun that is to add to my already existing issues, the medication isn't working, I'm all over the place, my thoughts have gotten a little darker the past few days, I have literally had to fight with myself over the urge to self harm (I'm not kidding, it's like an addiction that you just can't shake, like ever) My relationships feel a little strained at the moment. I feel unwelcome and weird no matter who's house I'm at, which is something I don't want to feel, but I don't know, it's just how I'm feeling right now.

  My kids and the animals miss me like crazy, my 5 year old has been acting out like a teenager, my animals have been nibbling themselves when I'm not here, my dog isn't eating properly unless I'm here. I've started the slow process of me going home, and it's making me anxious, I'm on the 2nd week which means 3 nights at home and 4 at my parents. I haven't started any kind of therapy, honestly it makes me incredibly anxious, I don't want to tell my problems to a stranger, I don't want them to know what goes on in my head, I'm scared of what goes through my head so I try and spare other people from that. It's fucking dark in there at the best of times.

  I guess I'm kind of giving up hope again slowly, the medication isn't working, I'm getting bad again, I hate having to go back to the doctors and say it, I said at my last appointment that I wasn't feeling any better and she kind of just shrugged her shoulders at me and told me to hold out for few more weeks and to get into therapy.

  I feel like I'm slowly losing it again, I don't want to go back down the rabbit hole, I thought I could finally see some light above but now I don't know, I'm lost and confused...

Thursday, 3 May 2018

General Update and Stuff

  Good day all! Welcome back to my little space of hell on the internet. I hope you enjoy your stay, please read, follow and share. Also hit me up on twitter : tottzilla Thanks! x

 General update time! Yay..

I started on some medication recently, it's an anti-depressant. So far it's made me little whoozy, floaty and sleepy, but I promised I would give it a few weeks to kick in properly before I dished some serious criticism on them. At the moment I'm only on 7 day prescriptions for the tablets, basically to see how I'm getting on with them and so that I have a good support system at the doctors as well as home and stuff.. So I will do as I am told, I'll let them work their magic.

  I've been a bit, here and there honestly, my moods are still fluctuating and there isn't a middle ground, I think I would cope better if I just had a middle ground to be honest. I was a bit absent last week because I've been really poorly past few weeks with my chest (to which I'm being sent for an x ray on my chest and further investigation into whether I've developed asthma or not as well) Then, as you all know I've been staying at my parents whilst receiving my treatment and putting things into place, as you may know my dad has 2 dogs, Tyson and Missy.. I grew up with them and Missy in particular was my best friend, when I've been sad or my moods have been haywire, I'd come to missy, we'd cuddle and she'd kiss my cheek and everything would feel like it will be better. I did this even after I moved out of my parents house when I had my first child. Friday last week we had to take her to the vets because she became very poorly and swollen all on the one side of her body. To which we then found out that she had a tumour sort of chest/shoulder area which was causing pressure on the nerves and that's where the swelling came from. She was alread 12/13 years old and the vet gave us the scenario that even after surgery, chemo and possible amputation that she might not even make it out okay in the end, so my parents made the decision to not put her through the stress and pain (she really gets worked up going to the vets) She couldn't walk and the vet said from what he could feel it felt like the tumour was at least half the size of her head. That's a fucking big tumour, she wasn't a big dog, she was a staffie cross. We had to have her put to sleepp, it was the kindest thing my parents could do to her. So I guess I've been a little weird since, I'm big on animals, I actively donate, money and time and fight for animals, I value their lives above humans and always have done.

  So that's why I've been absent, may say weird things and act funny right now. I'm not sure how to deal with the loss of my best friend, she was literally the world to me, always happy to see me, always missed me, she's been helping me relax and keep my moods levelish. Tyson bless him has been keeping me company and letting me spoil him and fuss him when I'm feeling a little out of sorts and I love him to pieces but she was my baby, she used to sleep in my bed with her head on my pillow and everything. I literally have nightmares at night of her as she's going to sleep, I have the constant image of when they started to give her the stuff as she fell onto her side, every time I close my eyes, every time I try and go to sleep.

  I think it will take me some time to get used to her not being here, I keep waking up or going into a room and expecting her to be wagging her tail and looking at me with such affection... I guess, people just don't understand how much this has affected me, to some people she's just a pet, to me she was like a child, a part of the family... I have just lost a member of my family and I'd appreciate it if people stopped trying to down play on that.

Anyway enough ramblings, Sorry I'm being a depressive tool again. Please come back though!

Love to you all!
Terri =(^.^)=
xoxo

Sunday, 22 April 2018

Exhausted now..

  Hello, welcome again to my blog, this is a pretty short post today, I just needed to get some things off my chest and hope that it makes me feel less overwhelmed today, I'm not entirely sure that it's worked but at least I'm not holding it all in anymore.   

  I just want to be alone, I don't want to talk to anyone, I don't want to do anything, I just want to sit with my thoughts for a bit, a few days of just nothing but trying to sort through the thoughts that run into and around my head. But it's so hard to be alone without coming across as I'm pushing everyone away, I just need some self healing time, I feel like I'm a burden and that I'm hurting everyone around me daily at the moment and that has a huge impact on my brain, that gives voices to the monsters inside my head and that's what I'm trying to get away from right now. Is it selfish of me to want to mend myself?

  I'm like a cat, I'm trying to lick my own wounds and heal but it seems that everyone is making that hard for me to do and depending on me, I can't even depend on myself or trust myself right now, I can't make the correct decisions, I can't even remember half of what I do or say anymore, I'm mixing my reality with actual reality... Fantasy and real life.. And it's leaving me exhausted, hazy, confused and in pain.

  I may sometimes seem like I'm fine right now, but I'm not, I'm still in this dark place, I haven't clawed my way out, I miss who I used to be, I miss how I used to be, But I can not be this person right now, I need to deal with my demons, I keep running from them, I keep hiding from them but the more I do this the bigger the explosion inside me is everytime, I need to deal with these inner demons before they take a hold of me and cause me to do things that I don't want to do.

  I just wish I could put this all in simpler forms for everyone to understand, I don't understand my own head so how could I possibly expect anyone else to understand what happens inside there, and be able to make sense of anything.

  I just wish that I would be passed over quickly for a psychiatrist.


Love to you all!
Terri =(^.^)=
xoxo

Thursday, 19 April 2018

Exotic Zoo In Telford

  G'day folks, welcome back to my blog. Today it's not all doom and gloom it is a review! Yesterday me and my best friend decided to visit the Exotic Zoo! Enjoy my lovelies. x

  So, yesterday me and my best friend decided to visit the Exotic Zoo in Telford, it's been there like a year and I haven't once been inside nor has he so we thought we'd pop a long and see what it was like.

  Upon getting there we had some confusion on the parking, and we were a bit lost having to go through the garden centre itself to get to the zoo, but trust me once you find it you'll be pleased, I guarantee.

  The pricing is great value, it's £2.50 per child and £3.50 per adult AND there's quite a few animals for you to look at. So I say this is good value for that cheap price. Currently they're building a penguin enclosure, I mean penguins are amazing, for me the only thing that would make this place the best place ever is if they got sharks as they're my favourite animal. But obviously a little hard to do as they're such big creatures.

  Upon coming in you're greeted by a friendly staff member who will take your payment to enter, in the entrance part there's some animal skeletons and fossils (which are super duper awesome to look at) When you step out into the zoo, on the left hand side to kick start your great experience you'll be greeted by these friendly and cute little chaps.
Meerkats, and yes... they have some baby Meerkats right now and they are just as adorable and fun to watch as you are thinking right now.

  The place is easy to navigate, and deceptively bigger than it looks. They have a lovely selection of animals for everyone, there's a nocturnal part where you can go and see (if your night vision is great I mean - It was a sunny day so our eyes couldn't adjust well enough) Bush baby (super cute) There's bats or bat, I could only see the one but Bats are usually pretty social creatures so I'd imagine they have more than just the one I saw, which was a biggun! There's cute little sugar gliders and a hedgehog.

  There's a section for the people who aren't afraid of snakes and spiders, they have 8 Black widows, which are super cool and a red kneed tarantula, obviously if you're not a fan of spiders like me these might freak you out even if they are behind a very thick piece of glass. My mom seems to think that this still isn't enough containment for her to go see them haha! They have beautiful snakes, there was this one, I can't quite remember the name but the scales were like a bluey green and it glistened, the snake was absolutely magnificent to look at.

  There's a super friendly miniature donkey who came over to say hello to me whilst his miniature horse pal was off on the other side of the enclosure enjoying to sun and a bit of a munch. We saw some funny little guys, armadillos, one was trying to climb up and escape and making these adorable little noises. We had a rooster with the most beautiful feathers following us around, he was a bit like a tour guide, he even saw us off as we left. 

This funny poser climber up to the top of his branch when we went round the corner so that he could still see us, Looked gorgeous and was friendly, he/she was clicking at me and tilting their head as a friendly gesture. There's some owls which were obviously sleeping when we went there because of them being nocturnal and all.

  2 ring tailed lemurs being playful in their enclosure, which if you don't know are actually on the endangered species list now (so whenever a zoo takes in animals like that to help keep them safe I must applaud them because lemurs are such beautiful creatures) There's some grumpy looking marmosets who were happy to see us.

  These little adorable things were curled up like this the whole time we were there but honestly, it was so sweet I couldn't even be upset that I didn't get to see them running around being playful.

  There is a big list of animals there, these are just a few. There's also turtles, tortoise, little tiny crocodile, a grumpy looking toad wallowing in some water, Wallaby's - yeah, there's quite a few of them cuties. Red and Silver foxes, we were only lucky enough to catch a glimpse of the silver one but maybe next time we'll be able to see the red one also.

  The staff that we encountered everywhere were all super friendly and willing to help, on our way towards the exit one of the staff members was holding a meerkat that we could greet and give a little stroke on their head, which was lovely.. They're so soft and that one in particular was so friendly to me. A couple of meerkats were sharing an enclosure with a skunk (which have adorable faces and beautiful markings) they were all taking a little nap together.


  Overall, our experience was amazing, the animals were well fed, well cared for and friendly, the staff were all friendly and happy to help with whatever we needed, the whole experience was definitely value for money. Honestly I'm waiting for the penguins to come and then I'll be visiting again (that's not to say that I might not go visit a few more times in between)

I highly recommend this to anyone in telford, it's just in Priorslee where the garden centre is, it's a fun experience for adults and children.

Love to you all!
Terri =(^.^)=
xoxo





Sunday, 15 April 2018

Not too bad.. Today.

  Hey all, welcome back to my blog, hope you enjoy the stay. Here is a general hey, this is how I'm doing etc. Enjoy.x

  So, as promised I will give you all an update on myself.

I'm not too bad, today at least. I'm still having quite a few bad days where I feel sensitive and very emotional and I feel a little out of control, but overall I'm feeling a bit better than I was feeling almost 2 weeks ago.

  Yep! That's right, I've been at my parents now for almost 2 weeks to start my recovery and guess what? I still haven't been able to get in at the doctors to sort out the much needed fucking anti depressants for my recovery (go figure right, not like it's an emergency for me since being with crisis team or anything)

  As for my recovery plan, it's as follows.
- I'm to do at least 3 hours per week of vigerous exercise (apparently it's to help boost my moods)
- I'm to socialise at least once a week with people other than the ones living at my parents.
- Start my meds (I'd have to get in at the doctors first)
- Start my talking therapy.
- Start my behavioural therapy.
- Get assessed for personality disorders by the Psychiatrist in charge of my case.
- Self love, find one thing a day that I like about myself (for that day- today I quite like my face)
- Do more stuff for me, hobby wise. SO, I've taken my drawing back up, my singing back up, photography back up... I've been a little more active on Instagram and Twitter. Facebook can suck it, that's just my platform to spread my blog and pictures of my kids and animals. And memes, we can not forget the memes.

It's a pretty healthy care plan, it's nothing too taxing on myself, I mean the socialising one might be a bit woo, because my anxiety flares up at just the mere mention of going outside and talking to people I don't talk to too often. I need to get more fresh air, because I'll get some kind of deficiency if I stay in any longer, haha.

  SO, there is my general update on my recovery, it's not going too badly, if only I could get into the damn doctors to sort my medication out, then I think it will really get rolling.

Hope I didn't bore you too much, I know some people wanted to see how my recovery was getting on, how I'm doing and feeling now. Might help someone who goes through something similar too.

Love to you all!
Terri =(^.^)=
xoxo

Saturday, 14 April 2018

Weird Place..

Hey, welcome back to my boring/emo blog where mostly dark things enter into here to hopefully go and find someone else to bother for a bit. Enjoy your stay.

  So, you know how I said that I tend to enter into dark parts, and I do this pretty frequently? Well here is a song my band did a few years ago now (unfortunately I don't have a copy of the audio - shame really it was a rock song so just try to imagine the drums and guitar in the background) So.. the lyrics haha.

Creeping, crawling, 
through the hallway of my thoughts.
I hear you, screaming, 
& I'm falling.
Fading into darkness,
screaming, and waging war
with my inner demons.

Remember, the little girl.
So full of hope,
so full of smiles.
Remember that little girl,
as I finally, Lose my mind.

Please save me, 
from myself,
this hell I live,
is something I can't control
Please save me,
from my inner demons,
as they take over every thought I have
and I'm dancing with the devil himself.

Dancing, so dangerously,
to the edge of a bridge,
the voices won't fade away,
they're trying to drag me in,
I'm drowning, I'm suffocating, 
I need you to pull me out,
before i'm sucked in.

Remember, the little girl,
Such a big heart,
so loving,
remember that little girl,
as i finally, lose my mind.

Please save me, 
from myself,
this hell I live,
is something I can't control
Please save me,
from my inner demons,
as they take over every thought I have
and I'm dancing with the devil himself.

Shaking, trembling,
the bottle is my new best friend,
I can't breath,
I can't think straight,
and you are not here.
I'm spiralling,
&the demons, are gonna take take take it all.

Remember, the little girl
She's calling you,
she's pleading for your help.
remember that little girl
as i finally, lose my mind.

Please save me, 
from myself,
this hell I live,
is something I can't control
Please save me,
from my inner demons,
as they take over every thought I have
and I'm dancing with the devil himself.

So sit tight, 
Please don't let me give in to it,
I'm chasing after you, 
I need you to fight 
I need you to make me stay,
I need to feel your loving embrace.
And please don't let me fade away.

Please save me, 
from myself,
this hell I live,
is something I can't control
Please save me,
from my inner demons,
as they take over every thought I have
and I'm dancing with the devil himself.

  Let's just throw this down the reason that the band split up really was because of me, they didn't like my lyrics in any of our songs (there were darker songs than this trust me) They didn't think it was ''cool'' that I was this little ball of fuck and nopes so inevitably went off to do their own things, I hold no resentment but if anyone plays drums, guitar, bass, keyboard hit me up and we can start a band ;) I can only do vocals I don't have the talent to play an instrument. I would really love to get back into music (rock band kinda thing) I miss singing and stuff.

I hope you enjoyed the little snippet from my past, and seriously I want to get back into my rock music and form myself a rock band again. SO PLEASE HELP ME ACHIEVE THAT GOAL. 

Love to you all.
Terri =(^.^)=
xoxo

Saturday, 7 April 2018

A Plan Is Forming...

  Hello my loves, welcome back to my chaotic mess - I know for the time being it's going to be focused in on my recovery, I apologise for this but I do feel that it could be beneficial to more than just myself, but also to other people that may be going through the same thing? I don't really know to be honest, but I hope you enjoy your stay! x

  So, it seems that a care plan is finally forming for myself now. The idea is to have me move back into my dads house temporarily whilst my treatment is sorted into exactly what it will be and till I'm stabilised. Things seem to be going forward now.

  We've discussed that maybe I should go onto anti depressants whilst receiving talking therapy, which isn't a bad shout to be honest, I think that they will work nicely together. I think I'm also going to be doing some behavioural therapy also to correct some of my bad habits and help me find better ways to cope.

  I am going to be assessed regularly for different personality disorders, because that's more than one person who thinks it sounds like I have a personality disorder... So there must be something off and funny right? Yano, for multiple people to now tell me that they think I have a personality disorder. We're just not sure which one, so I'll keep you updated on the progress of that and what they find out eventually.

  So things are looking good, however I think my permanent residence will actually be at my parents for the time being, until further notice... Honestly not sure how long that will be, so my blogs and vlogs will all come from my parents house, wow, never thought I'd be back here again. haha. Funny that...

  They're going to be keeping a close eye on my progress, my thought patterns, mood swings ect to see if they can determine why it's happening etc. I feel that this time round I will get better, I will be able to go home and I will function like a proper adult 90% of the time, not just 20% like before...

  For the first time in a long while I am feeling POSITIVE about my future, that's a really really big step for me.

Anyways, there is your update my loves.

Love to you all!
Terri =(^.^)=
xoxo

Friday, 6 April 2018

Exhausted

Hey! Welcome all, new and old. This post doesn't have a trigger warning, it's not terribly long one, it's more hey, have an update and what not. Enjoy. x

  So, as you know I've had a mental breakdown, I have actually been removed from my own home for my own safety (because I am a danger to myself), I've been placed with my parents where there's zero stress, no distractions (like children who I could emotionally damage with my mood swings) I feel more relaxed, I don't think my mood is as unstable as it was a couple of days ago.

  I'm finally getting the help that I think I probably needed a few years ago, they're super friendly and nice and they listen to everything I have to say even if what I say doesn't really make too much sense to them. It's nice.

  Yes, I miss my partner, Yes, I miss my kids, Yes, I miss my fur babies.... But I'm taking the advice, I'm taking myself out of all the stress and focusing on myself for a little bit, and I think this is positive, I don't have to be admitted into hospital, My partner and kids can still come around to my parents house and see me. I'm permitted visitors.

  We haven't actually done a proper care plan just yet, I'm actually still being assessed over the weekend, I think the plan is to try and formulate a proper care plan on the Monday. That's pretty cool with me, I've had a lot of information thrown at me over the past few days, I'm still exhausted from my mental break down (crazy that is)

  BUT, I've been eating a little better and more regularly, I've been drinking more, I've been sleeping a bit more, I'm more talkative, I've become a little more open, I'm not as withdrawn as I was the other day. I think the crisis team have already had a positive impact on my life and I would deffo recommend them to anyone who was in that kind of a bad way like me few days ago.

  They are an excellent service and everyone who works there are absolute diamonds, they've been nothing but lovely and understanding towards me. I think I'm a little positive as well because I'm being listened to, I say I don't trust myself going home and that this won't happen again so they actually place me in my parents care so people can keep an eye on me and what not.

  So, here's to getting better and taking you on my journey with me, I might do a bit of both the vlogs and blogs as my recovery process, I think it will help me learn to recover better and maybe faster? Also I think that it may help others ? Yano, to seek help when they really need it and stuff.

Okay, that's longer than I initially intended it to be haha! Hope I didn't bore you too much my loves.

Love to you all!
Terri =(^.^)=
xoxo

Tuesday, 3 April 2018

Like a Light switch. IT'S SCARY

Hey, welcome to my blog again ... today I'm going to prewarn you heavily... this is a dark post, is 100% true and no I don't particularly like to draw notice to it but I feel it will a) hopefully help me understand it better and b) prove that it can be as simple and quick as if someone has just flipped a light switch inside...

  So, as you're beginning to realise now, or at least I hope you are, I'm not quite the full ticket, I suffer pretty horribly with a range of mental health problems. Yesterday I had not just a bad day but a fucking deadly day.

  Now for people just tuning in now, with no previous knowledge, my moods switch pretty quickly, I can go from top of the world to edge of a bridge in a matter of seconds, I'm very sensitive to mood change, I have constant suicidal thoughts, irrational and I have an impulsive personality... Which is why when I'm told bad news it has to be done delicately and I'm also not allowed to be left alone for long periods of time.

  I've had some stress over the past say 7/8 months that I've been letting build up because I've been busy, I had a baby 4 months ago, I have bills to pay... 2 other kids to feed and clothe.  Well today I had a tipping point because of all the debt we are in (did I mention I have an impulsive personality and shouldn't be allowed to deal with money because of this??)

  This debt isn't in fact our fault, it' a council tax bill.. now neither of us are working because I'm not capable at the moment and I cant be left alone so my partner is basically my carer. It was a full council tax bill because for some long winded reason they weren't going to pay us housing benefit until we get sorted.

  Everything is piling up as you can imagine, I was drowning, suffocating and finding it hard to cope. I tried ringing CAB to sort it but no one was available. I tried getting the debt collectors to call off their hunting dog whilst I try and get some advice, I tried every avenue I could right then and there and came back with...Nothing.

  Nobody was available to help at that second, I was overwhelmed and couldn't breathe. I panicked, I got angry, I cried and then boom.. a switch flicked in my head and I was in that horrible place of nothingness again. I hate going there it's cold, barren and I no longer feel, I no longer think straight or rational.

  As quick as that switch flicked I began a note, I kept telling myself I'm the problem, I'm always the problem.. I should just disappear. I left with a blade, said a brief goodbye to my partner and walked to a random place. When I left that house I left with the intent of not coming home, I left with the intent that living was doing my family more harm than good.

  I cried for help, I text my best friend that I had reached my limit, I told him where I was and prayed that he would be able to get to me before I ended my life. There I said it, I had the intent to do it and if he had shown up 5 minutes later than he did I wouldn't be here to tell you how dark of a place I was in.

  It took the rest of the afternoon for me to calm down, the mood didn't alter, I'm still extremely suicidal, I'm still in this dark place drowning, I haven't been here in a while and I honestly thought I'd never return but here I am... and doctors don't seem to be making me a priority, I am legitimately a risk to my own life and no one is offering to save me, other than my best friend.

  I self harmed today, I almost took my own life today and not a soul realised this on my way to do these things. That people is scary. That is how godo my acting can really be. If someone had stopped me in the street who knew me, and knew what I was like it wouldn't of gotten that far.  I am the most scary and threatening thing in my life.

I am a danger. Just like a switch went off, I cycled through panic, depressed, angry to I've had enough now.

I hope this opens the eyes of a lot of people to what it's actually like for someome who cant control this, we're not seeking attention were crying out for help, we want to be saved even if it doesn't seem like it. And thank you to the hero that is my best friend, he can judge from a single text if I need him immediately or we can talk it out. He has saved my life more times than I can count and I bet he doesn't even realise it.

Sorry for my depressing and horrible post. I needed to get this off my chest. I needed people to know that I'm not ok even if I appear to be. So I imagine it's the same for others. Look out for little changes in people, because even as excellent actors something small will flag up that we need help.  I promise you.

Sorry again. Love to you all.
Terri =(^.^)=
Xoxo

Monday, 2 April 2018

Little on the dark side..

Hey, welcome back to my blog. Enjoy your stay, this post is a little on the darker side (Sorry if this may or may not trigger some people) Read at your own will. And remember I'm always a listening ear when you fear that everyone else has abandoned you in darkness.

  And so we find ourselves again, trapped in this nothingness. This is our reality now, there is no escape from ourselves and it's terrifying.. It's lonely, it's cold and it's barren. All we wish for is for someone to reach out to us, to pull us out of this nightmare, but everyone just stares on clueless that we're suffocating in our own lives and minds... If only we could pluck up the courage to even utter two words of this hell then maybe someone would save us. So we just muddle through, we just carry on, silently screaming, pleading for a way out, and when it becomes too much for us to handle, we find our way out of this constant cycle of hell. Then we fade into nothingness, like where we've been trapped our whole lives, with not a soul to even forget us.

  Every breathe that I take is like torture, I know that people have it worse off than myself, I know that the world isn't falling apart but to me, the world has already begun falling away and has been for years. We're constantly told not to show our weaknesses because our enemies can smell it, but what's wrong with being weak every now and again so that someone else can help share the burdon occassionally? What's so wrong about wanting a break from this insanity? So it's drilled into us and we carry on like nothing is wrong, because if something is wrong then that's a burdon for someone else and they don't have time for that.. They don't have time for us.

  That's when the thoughts begin, the thoughts of something easier, something simpler, something less painful than what you're feeling in this very second. That's when you begin to question everyone's kindness, what do they gain from being kind to someone like me? I'm now debted to you for that kindness, I'll never be able to pay it back, I'll never feel right until I do either. Another cycle begins of self loathing, of self hatred, of banished self confidence.

  You don't understand why you are this way, you don't understand why you're wired to second guess everything and even yourself, you just do these things and feel crap about them after. You live your life in a cycle of hurting inside and never asking for help, you have violent thoughts, disturbed thoughts but you brush it to the side because, people have it worse off than yourself and you're just being silly.

  Fast forward a few years, you've found a way to cope, you have found your crutch. It might be drinking, it might be drugs, it might be self harming, maybe even smoking, but hopefully it's something healthy like drawing or singing to get you through the day. For a lot of us though, it's something damaging, but we can't help it, we need it in order to survive this hell that's getting worse day by day. But we still won't cry wolf, we'll still hold it in because let's face it, someone has it worse than us. Right?

  You, reading this now, you feel like I'm writing about you don't you? I'm writing about us all, how we feel and what we go through. It's not too late to reach out, it's not too late to ask for help, don't ever be afraid to ask for help because if you don't ask for help then one day, you might no longer be able to ask for that help that you so desperately need.

  So I want to ask all of my readers, I don't care how well we know one another, if you ever feel like this, if you ever feel alone. I'm here. I'm listening. I'm your help, whenever, wherever. I'm here for you.

  I've been there, I've been that person spiralling out of control, withdrawn, writing my final goodbye's and making my peace before leaving, I've been that girl huddled in a corner crying uncontrollably, self harming, drinking and smoking my problems away, I've been alone, isolated and out of touch with the world... All it took was for one person to help me out of that hole and to constantly remind me daily that I'm needed, I'm appreciated, I'm special and that I'm loved no matter what.

  So let me say the same to you guys, You are loved, you are special, you're needed, you're appreciated, Let me be that hand in the darkness, I've become an expert at escaping that hole now, I will be your lifeline. Don't ever disappear from this world. I love you.

Love to you all! 
Please visit again!
Terri =(^.^)=
xoxo

You're either Disney or you ain't

  Hey again, welcome back. I really appreciate all the love you guys show me over on here, twitter and facebook. It really means a lot that someone else is willing to listen to my ramblings, I mean, my partner pretty much signed himself up for them so he doesn't get a choice, at least this way I'm not laying it all out on him! Enjoy your stay, Like, Follow and share if you would, I would really REALLY appreciate it. Thanks. x

  Everyone that I have met has either been a Disney fan or they can't stand it, I've never met a person who is in between on the argument. So question is, are you Disney?

  I'm not talking about just the recent stuff after they just outright bought everything and became even more awesome, I mean are you Disney in general? Right down to Cinderella and Beauty and the Beast.

  My partner can't stand Disney films, the kids of course love Disney films and I'm quite happy to sit all day in our jimmy jams watching them all day. I sing a long, sometimes we dance to, my partner just tutts and sighs and looks like a grumpy old man. Why?!

  Disney films are amazing, they're light hearted, they have catchy tunes, they're colourful and bright. They appeal to so many people so why is it that some people just can't stand them? I don't understand the pure hatred some people have for Disney films, like they're a scourge on the earth or something.

So, What's your favourite Disney film? Hard to decide isn't it? How about we work it this way, what are your top 10 Disney films that you have no problem watching time and time again, even if you only saw it 2 days ago? Here's mine below, not in any particular order, because I can never decide which I like more.

1. Beauty and the Beast
2. The Aristocats
3. Mulan
4. Hercules
5. Bambi
6. The Fox and the Hound
7. Alice In Wonderland
8. The Little Mermaid
9. The Jungle Book
10. Dumbo

  Now I haven't placed them in an order, I just really love these 10 Disney films. I love the stories, the songs, they just always make me smile when I'm down.

  So, are you a Disney fan? Why don't you leave me a comment with what your top 10 Disney films are and see if we have any in common! (This whole post was written whilst watching Mulan - Mushu is so funny)

Please come back again soon! Don't forget to Like,Follow,Share and Comment of course. Share the Love! 

Love to you all! 
Terri =(^.^)=
xoxo

Sunday, 1 April 2018

Monthly Howdya Do.

  I want to start doing a monthly blog, sort of.. My motivational thing. Hopefully I get to meet many more bloggers this month, and gain more people liking my blog so we can all share the love! Enjoy.



  Goals Of The Month

  I want to grow my blog, make it appeal to more people. I wish to meet more bloggers, read more blogs and share the love a bit more over here, facebook and twitter. I want to come out of my shell a little more, stop being this hermit that sits in and plays games. I want to do more fun things with the kids and share with you guys our adventures with pictures and what we've done. And I really want to make a start on my back garden this month.... It's horrible, there's brambles everywhere and at this point I think it would be better to burn it all to the ground and start from scratch haha!  

  Next month I hope that I can add more to this blog post, like other bloggers that I like, my favourite things that particular month etc. Stuff like that.

  So I hope you all come back for the monthly motivation posts, which will get more interesting and better laid out. Next month I hope to share an awesome adventure with you all!

Love to you All.
Terri =(^.^)=
xoxo

Cats are right assholes

 Hey! Welcome once again to the rambles of someone who probably shouldn't be allowed to speak so freely on the internet, I hope you enjoy your stay and like, share and follow.


  So I'll get right to the point and outright say it. Cats are fucking assholes. I have 3 beautiful ladies, Cupcake, Luna and Gizmo. They're adorable little things, but they're downright sent straight from the devil himself. 
  
  Gizmo is the tabby and white one, Luna is the mostly black one and Cupcake is the mostly white one. Now as you look at them you're probably sat there going "Aww, they're adorable I could never get or be mad at them" But their looks are deceiving. 

  3am, Luna and Gizmo decide it's time to chase each other around the house, and you can guarantee that everything they touch will be knocked over on to the floor and will make the most noise in the bloody world.

  Cupcake went through a phase of cleaning herself so much, she was pulling the fur out and creating these sores, she looked horrible... Thankfully with a diet change and constantly stopping her from doing it she has finally stopped and looks like a pretty lady of the house again.

  Now all 3 of them have an obsession, I don't know if it's the sound it makes or just because they think it's funny to see me get mad at them... But they all have the obsession with knocking shit on the floor, ESPECIALLY my plates and cups. 

  Countless cute mugs have been broken, countless plates have been broken and what for? FOR THEIR OWN AMUSEMENT. They're assholes. 

  And I looked it up and apparently it's not just my cats that love doing this, but all cats have this fascination with knocking shit on the floor, but why?!

  Apparently, it's to get a reaction out of the owners... Like my cats don't get enough of my attention as it is, I'm always playing with them and fussing them. Or it's down to their hardwired genetics to do with hunting, I could understand that as my cats don't go outside, as it's not really safe for them to do so where I live because I live on a main road. 

  This still doesn't give me peace when my cats are hell bent on destroying everything I own, maybe I should just buy a bunch of plastic cutlery, plates and cups... That would bloody show my little spawns of satan!!

Love to you all!
Terri =(^.^)=
xoxo


Saturday, 31 March 2018

Quirks and All.

  Hello, welcome, welcome all again. I must thank you for returning to my chaotic mess of a blog, it must baffle you sometimes to my rambles, My apologies!

  So, we're here again friends, a place of probably quick topic changing, nonsensical words and sentences that don't lead into each other, I'm sorry but my brain thinks faster than I can actually type sometimes... Which is a feat in itself since I type pretty damn quick.

  Anyone have any old habits that are practically now part of your personality and all it's little quirks? I have plenty apparently, as I'm learning from everyone now, as an attempt to make me feel better about myself I assume... Because my self esteem is either Godly or non existant.

  Certain people can tell if I'm genuinely smiling or just smiling because I think the conversation calls for it, I didn't know that people I knew could pick up the difference, I thought my acting was flawless.. Apparently I'm sorely mistaken as someone pointed out to me that I smile with my eyes when something has genuinely pleased me whereas if I don't really mean it but think I should smile at this point in conversation it doesn't quite reach my eyes... Funny that, no one has ever picked that out and told me.

  A few people can now tell the difference between my mood shifts, usually if I'm having a tremendously bad day I'm still pretty good at coming across as ok, but apparently some people can pick it out, like a gut feeling that I'm not ok really I'm just trying to not burden anyone else with my shit... So then they proceed to not leave me alone and shower me with affection and motivation and stuff, It's not a bad thing, it doesn't really help I'm afraid for all the people who do it, but thanks anyway.. It's really nice that you are trying to be that great friend who is helping me, so sorry if my mood doesn't shift the way you want it to, I literally have zero control over that.

  I have a weird habit of smiling and tilting my head to the side whilst closing my eyes, nobody usually picks up on it..... Someone the other day however picked it up and asked why I do it, I honestly don't know, I haven't a clue where it came from, I haven't always done it... It just sort of happened one day and stuck and now I can't stop myself from doing it.

  When I get excited over something my whole body tenses up, I do a squeak and I'm literally like a child, nobody picks up on this, but it was pointed out to me the other day.. Why are people picking up on my embarrassing things now... Leave them be, it's just a quirk to my personality. I am a child inside.

  When I'm having a bad day, I try to isolate myself, I don't like to interact with people, I don't like to move much, if at all.. If I have to go out for any reason at all, I try to smile and shrug the task off like the quicker it's done the quicker I can be at home being a part of the sofa zoning out, but apparently my smile is awkward as are my reactions to things... So note to self : Do not go out and try and function like a normal person whilst having a bad day... EVERYBODY can tell I'm being weird.

  I randomly start dancing, I don't care where I am, I don't care who can see, I don't care if it's inappropriate, I randomly start dad dancing... Usually I only go out with my best friend and he knows and loves all the little quirks about me, he has said without them I just wouldn't be me or as interesting, but I went out with another family member the other week and I have honestly never seen someone look so embarrassed in their lives than when I started dad dancing up an aisle of the supermarket. I'm sorry but I'm not sorry.

  Not many people notice, because I'm extremely quick about it... But sometimes when someone brushes past me when I'm out or stands a little too close to me, I cringe and my body physically convulses for a second, another thing I can't quite control.. I just really hate people touching me, whether I know them or not.. Sometimes if I know the person I'm not so bad, but strangers it's like, I don't know where you've been, what you've touched, what you have etc.

  PUBLIC TOILETS. Now I hate using them, if I can hold it till I get home I bloody well will, but if I have to use a public toilet you would think I'm going into a contagious area. I have my sleeves down, I have my shirt over my nose, I'm in and out super fast, I not only wash my hands but all up my wrists, I then pull my sleeves over my hands, open the doors with my bum if it's a push to get out.. I basically make sure I don't touch anything upon leaving, and I still then put anti bacterial gel on my hands when I'm safe and outside... There's something wrong with me I'm sure.

  My left eye lid twitches when I'm hungry, I kid you not. My left eye lid starts to twitch if I am really hungry, so you don't need to wait for me to get grumpy because I'm hungry because my eye lid will tell you.

  I'm a quirky person, this isn't even all my little quirks, I just thought I should be brief... So far these are the only ones that people have picked out and noticed, I'm hoping the rest stay unnoticed forever. Some of them are pretty embarrassing.

Love to you all!
Terri =(^.^)=
xoxo

Thursday, 29 March 2018

Guest Post From Pamie


Hey again, we’re here for another guest blog post by someone suffering various mental health problems. This will be like a good ole Q&A, so I hope you all enjoy it! Read Follow Like And Share the awareness. This week we have a lovely strong lady who I know suffers daily, Pamie. This will be the last one as we're approaching the end of the month now, I'll storm up some awesome ideas for next month... Promise. Soooo Enjoy.



1. Introduce yourself! Tell me about yourself and what you're into 😊
I’m Pamela Anne, I get called Pamie or Annie by my friends. I’m 33 years old, raised in Yorkshire and Fife with my older brother (by our parents), and a bit obsessed with sports haha. I support Aberdeen and Arsenal FC, Denver Broncos (NFL), Denver Nuggets (NBA), Colorado Avalanche (NHL) and Colorado Rockies (MLB). I also enjoy gaming on my PS4 and Xbox One, actually obsessed with the Life is Strange games, I have tattoos, many of them are in relation to my mental health and my family, other things I also enjoy are seeing friends, travelling and photography.
2. What's your mental health issue? Tell us about it
I was diagnosed with depression, I feel I also have PTSD after witnessing a traumatic event when I was in primary school. I also have health anxiety, social anxiety and panic disorder.
3. When did it start?
I was diagnosed way back in 1995, when I was just 11 years old.
4. How do you feel being diagnosed?
I feel good about having been diagnosed, because I know I’m not just being antisocial, that there is something going on which makes me feel the way I am on occasions.
5. How does it affect your every day life?
I can have good days and bad days, on my good days, I manage to go out with my friends to places like Edinburgh and eat out with them (if it’s not busy), but when I have a bad day, I just want to shut myself away from the world, play my PS4 or my Xbox and just laze the day away.
6. Do others treat you different knowing you have this illness?
I feel I get treated differently by my family who hardly see me (my aunts, uncles etc.) mainly because they cannot see how I am on a daily basis, they all just treat me as though a lot of different things is going on, but I would rather they looked at me as me because I haven’t changed, I just have something different around me, and they seem to tip toe around it. My close family and friends don’t treat me any different because they see/speak to me a lot of the time.
7. What advice would you give to someone suffering the same or similar symptoms that you wish someone had told you?
No matter what the diagnosis, you are still the same person, just limited edition.
8. Do you know of any helpful groups?
I use a website called no more panic, I have met a few people from there who have helped me in recent months. I have actually just recently completed a self-esteem group in my local area which has helped me build my confidence.
9. What are your future plans and goals?
At the moment I am attending a short course at college called Sports Link, from there I’m hoping to go further in the sports industry within the therapy area as I feel what I have been through may help those who have injuries etc.. in their rehabilitation.



Thanks for being awesome and letting us all have a little peek into the life you lead. I wish you all the luck in college and that you get to do all that you want to do. Thank you again for participating in the Mental Health Awareness Month. You’re awesome.



Thanks for reading, following and liking all a long the process of Mental Health Awareness Month people, it’s muchly appreciated. I hope you continue to follow and read about these amazing strong people and their lives.



Love to you all!
Terri =(^.^)=
xoxo

Tuesday, 27 March 2018

You got this kid!

  Hello again my lovelies, welcome back to my blog. I'm sorry I've been non existant, I've been having a bad few days, with zero energy and motivation and I've just been trying to deal with that shit. I'm sorry this will more than likely happen again, I can assure you of that. 

So, I feel that I'm always having to apologise for the way I act, things I say, things I do.. so it's common for me to utter the words "I'm sorry" at least 30+ times a day. I'm often told to stop apologising so much which will get an extra sorry out of me. It's one of my qualities that I really hate, that I'm basically just constantly apologising for absolutely everything in life. Even if it's not my fault and I know it's not my fault. People think I'm just overly polite when in actual fact I'm not, it's just a default setting and I say it without even thinking about it anymore.

  Now, the real people that I feel I will have to apologise to for the way I am and how I act for the rest of my life are my 3 children. A constant fear of mine is that 1 of them if not all of them will somewhat gain some of my mental health issues later in life, it petrifies me, I'm actually terrifyed about it and it often gives me nightmares. My partner thinks I'm being silly worrying before anything has even been confirmed, but as you may all know, I'm good at worrying so why would I quit? 

  Our eldest I'm the most concerned for, because he shows signs of aggression, not being able to handle his emotions when he used to be able to do it so well, lack of interest in a lot of things that used to interest him, periods of black outs where he hurts someone else but doesn't remember it so completely breaks down into tears. Now this kid is 5 years old, so yeah it's probably just usual kid stuff, going through changes ect but it springs red flags at me all the time because he acts how I act sometimes... I mean it could be as simple as he's just seen me do it and he has now copied it, I sincerely hope that it's just that because we can rectify that... But in my head, I've failed as a parent for not protecting him from such things like this, even though I know it's not something I can control, I feel that I have failed because I had children and potentially could of passed things on like that.

  Now I know a lot of you are probably thinking, loads of people with mental health issues have kids and everything turns out fine, and I hear you on that but it's always a fear for us parents, in the back of our mind we're always looking for signs, we're always questioning and worrying about their behaviour so that they don't suffer in silence for as long as some of us may of. It's not something we can get rid of, and yeah maybe if we were going to worry like this and question everything that maybe we should of thought it through a bit better, but a lot of us if not all of us feel like it's changed us for the better having children.

  Before I had children I had attempted suicide a total of 27 times, I self harmed every day, I had a drinking problem, and I impulsively spent all my money all the time, couldn't hold a job down (still can't now) and strived for recognition from very bad people. 
  I met my partner when I was 17, I had just come out of a very bad relationship for me, I was impulsive, I didn't think it through, but it was probably the only impulsive thing I've done in my life that was good for me. Yeah, we may of broke up a few times in between because of me, but we're together and he's made it clear that it's not happening again, he's not letting me push him away anymore. That's what I need in my life, I need the stability of someone looking me in the face whilst holding me by the shoulders shaking me, telling me that they aren't going to leave, and that I can't make them leave.

  Almost 9 years later, I have only attempted suicide twice, I have random spouts of self harming, I ha a drinking problem when I was 21/22 for a few months, I still impulsively spend, but it's not as bad as before, I can't hold a job down at the minute, paid or unpaid, I need to find the right medication to help me out I think, and I no longer strive for recognition from other people, I have 2 friends who I depend on, that's enough for me. There's no bad people in my life anymore, toxic people have been cut out, it's made me feel a little better in myself.

So, for anyone who's just been diagnosed with mental health issues, waiting on a diagnosis, let me tell you. YOU ARE AWESOME AND BRAVE AND STRONG, YOU GOT THIS. 

I wish more people told me that I'm brave, that I'm strong and that I've got this. Not, it's not the end of the world, it could be worse, and you'll get through it.. you're an adult now it will be easier.

No, it's not the end of the world, but to someone who's just been given a diagnosis like this it feels like it's the end of the world. Do you know how many people change their attitude towards you if you tell them you have a mental health issue that you have to disclose to employers? It's disheartening to have someone in an interview love you, then find out that you have a mental health problem and suddenly look at you like you're dirt on their shoe, it's an awful feeling. Yes, it could be worse, but that doesn't down play how bad it is to feel like the whole world is out to get you daily, it doesn't make you feel better knowing that it could be worse because to you at that very moment, this is the worst for you. Yes, I am an adult, and yeah, I probably will get through my bad spell, I usually do, sometimes I need help but that's fine... Just because I'm an adult doesn't mean I can handle this any better than when I was a kid, in fact... as a kid my parents made the decisions for me, I never had bills, I never had debt, I wasn't allowed to have anything that would cause debt because of my impulsive personality problem, now as an adult... There's no one making decisions for me, I have bills, I have a lot of debt because of my impulsive personality problem...

I know that the people who make these remarks mean well, but it just doesn't get delivered as well as you think to people whose world constantly feels like it's imploding. 

So, mental health suffers, Yes, it's pretty bad now, you're life may be imploding on itself right now and you have EVERY SINGLE RIGHT to feel this way, you have every right to be mad, sad, defeated... But just know, it does get better, it does get easier, you will get through this not because you're an adult, but because you are a strong, brave and awesome person and You Got This! 

Thanks for being here guys and girls.
Love to you all!

Terri =(^.^)=
xoxo 

Saturday, 24 March 2018

Guest Blogger DaddyGiraffe is here!


Hey all! Hope you’re all well. I know I said I’d post them once a week but I suddenly realised we’re coming up towards the end of the month already haha! Silly me right? So I’m going to post the mental health awareness guest posts every few days as I’ve had a couple of people forward me their stories/answers. I hope you enjoy the read, today Gareth (also known to us cool folk as daddy giraffe) has been awesome and shared his answers with us today, below I’ve left a linky to his personal blog and I hope you go across and give it a read because it’s awesome. Thanks again for coming by to read!



1. Tell me about yourself and what your into
My names Gareth I’m a daddy to 5 (3 girls and 2 boys), I enjoy watching MMA and Football also the lighter side of things by reading.
2. What's your Mental Health issue?
I have Personality Disorder which is lovely mixture of Bipolar and Schizophrenia
3. When did it start?
It started a long time ago from when I was younger but through the years it got worse to the point where I had to seek professional help, this was when I was diagnosed with Personality Disorder.
4. How do you feel about being diagnosed?
Shocked and highly pissed off at first!!
But once I was used to it and come to terms with the fact I had this condition and it could be controlled by medication and therapy then I learnt to except it.
5. How does it affect your everyday life?
It affects every aspect of my life from personal to professional.
My moods change so fast throughout the day from high to low and calm to angry that is hard to be around me personally.
I was unable to work because of this and now I am being turned down most places see this and just wont take the chance on me which is disheartening.
6. Do other people treat you differently since you have had this illness?
Personally no everyone has been very supportive so I am so lucky in that aspect but professionally and in certain places once I declare it then there attitude changes and for some reason they talk to me slower....
7. What advice would you give someone in a similar situation to you?
Don't try to hide it to yourself, talk to someone and open up it will help you in the long run.
8. Do you know of any helpful groups?
Yes I am admin on a Facebook group called Personality Disorder Awareness Family
We have people from all over the world on there and its growing fast.
I also have a Mental Health Facebook Group called Personality Disorder & Mental Health Family.
9. What are your future plans and goals?
Firstly get back into work, come off the medication and then hopefully be settled enough with my family that marriage is on the cards.






As promised below is the link to his blog, go along and give it a read, you can also follow him on twitter and facebook (same names) I think that he would really appreciate that.
http://www.daddygiraffe21.com
Thanks for giving us an insight on your mental health, I hope it was an eye opener for some people, it’s sounds kind of similar to what I have as well so maybe that’s why we get on with each other… Common ground kind of thing!

Love to you all!
Terri =(^.^)=
xoxo

Thursday, 22 March 2018

The person I am today

  Hey again, I'm back at yet another obscure hour because my 2 year old isn't feeling well still. I thought I would delve into a bit of my past, now I don't really like talking about my past, and the trauma I have had but I feel it gives you a better understanding of why I'm the way I am right now ... this day. I haven' suffered as horribly as other people but to me I've suffered enough that I feel it accounts to some of my personality so here we go... back to the past again!

  I've always been a pretty timid child, large crowds have always scared me amd I've never really spoke much, so I can kinda understand why I have always been the target for bullying and only recently have I realised it was never MY fault but theirs.

  I was picked on milday from year 3/4 in school, the usual kind of name calling and oh don't play with her... childish bullying. When I got to secondary school I was under this false illusion that it would change and I'd make friends and have a good time whilst excelling in school. The first year of secondary school I unfortunately had to take some time off school because a close friend of mine, in fact the only friend I had then committed suicide after his parents got divorced. I won' delve fully into that as it gives me nightmares and I've never recovered and the thought makes me sick, put it this way, I witnessed his dead body and it was not something an 11/12 year old should of ever had to witness.

  Anyway I got back to school and naturally I wasn't just the same quiet person, I was now feeling depressed and not sleeping well. So I would nap at school as well. The bullying commenced again but a little more hurtful, I was already in a delicate emotional place as it was. It died down a bit and then I made some friends ... or that is what I thought. These new friends were now picking on me and I couldn't understand why or what I had done to upset them so much that they'd pick on me. So I distanced myself a little, they'd say let's hang out and then ditch me up town where I would often go to the toilets and sit with my fit up on the seat crying to myself asking what I had done. I stopped talking to anyone,  I stopped making new friends... I closed myself off to everyone at school and even to everyone at home. The bullying escalated and escalaTed to the point of physical violence, one boy punched me in the face to which I walked out of school and went home... to which the school then punished me for. I was tormented daily at school and when I got home from school on the Internet.  I just didn' know what was wrong with me that everyone laughed as I was this pitiful person who nobody wanted to help.

  I'd had enough, I made several attempts on my life and was self harming more than once a day. My parents had finally had enough and got me to see a psychiatrist for my issues. I was in a horrible place and it was like no one wanted to help me. Nobody cared about me. No one at school cared that I was failing most subjects, that I dreaded being there and that I was suffering so bad. They didn't care that I'd made attempts on my life, that I'd run away from home.

  Now this is a very touchy subject for me, I usually leave it at I was harshly bullied in school and leave it at that but I thought I'd go into a little more detail and even though talking about it brings up bad memories and feelings and cripples me I feel that this has mainly contributed to who I am today.

  I have trust issues, I cringe when people say they like me, I can't accept that someone wants to genuinely be my friend and hang out with me. I'm scared to go outside. Physical violence terrifyes me. Compliments make me uncomfortable. People who are legit supposed to be there to support you, but I can't trust they will actually help me if and when I need it. Me personally, I feel that if I hadnt been bullied o that extent, if I hadn't witnessed horrific things or had bad things done to my young body.. I feel I wouldn't be as messed up as I am today.

  I'm gonna go cry into a tub of ice cream whilst cursing out all the bad poisonous people that have ever been in my life now.

Love to you all!
Terri =(^.^)=
xoxo

Wednesday, 21 March 2018

HERE MY BEAUTIES HAVE ANOTHER!

  Hello! Welcome back! 3rd time today right? Welcome all the same. We're going to play a little bit of get to know the person behind that weird awkward smile! 


I have prepared some things for just this post!

- Why is half my face missing I hear you ask yourself? Because I hate looking at my face, can just about stomach half of it.
- Favourite colour? Lilac (I must be that special snowflake)
- Favourite Music? Kpop, all day and every day!
- Favourite movie genre? Horror, more specifically Zombies.
- Favourite Food? Pizza, spicy Pizza.. ALL THE PIZZA NOW.
- Favourite animal? Shark, not picky, I love sharks they're majestic and beautiful creatures. 
- Favourite thing to do? Meme collection, I am the meme collector, I have one for all occassions. I actually have folders on my phone, spider man memes, kpop memes, game memes etc. I'm obsessed. 

  So some basic stuff that probably got skipped over till the meme section and now there is a guy sat there thinking "Jesus, she is more obsessed than me!" It's cool, I should of been born a guy anyway.

  Now, a little more about me.. I know I'm so obsessed with myself aren't I? 


  Hello, I am Terri. I've just turned 26, I'm engaged to be married when I can be bothered to save the money to the man I've spent almost 9 years of my life with. Long ass time for someone who's 2 screws away from rocking in a corner singing lullabies to my pet woodlouse right? We have 3 kickass little dudes together and 4 semi ok furry kids. We have our eldest, Lucas who's 6 this year. Theo who just turned 2, and little baby Ezra who's almost 4 months old, I know I'm doing alright here aren't I, 3 sons, close in age.. Teenage years are going to be feckin hilariously fun right... [sobs internally] Then we have our big soft daft brush of a dog, Bren. He's a collie crossed with a german shepherd who thinks he's a lap dog and is the goodest boy.. Just ask him. Then we have our 3 felines, Cupcake, Luna and Gizmo. The ladies that run the house really.
 
  This is the house dynamic, it's pretty busy in this house.. especially from the hours of 11pm - 4am when the ladies of the house decide this is excellent cup breaking hours and running around like they're on crack. 

  I am the kind of person who will sit up until 6am playing video games or watching stupid videos on the interwebs and then sleep for 30 minutes before getting up to get the eldest ready and fed for school and take him off to school, then I will spend the day playing dinosaurs with our 2 year old whilst also playing endless games of peekaboo and napping at some point in the day with our 2 year old (please don't give up those naps anytime soon, I will not survive) I'm slack on housework, I hate doing it, I love having a clean, tidy house where everything is in it's place but apparently I am the only one who likes the house that way since I'm the only one who picks up after myself.
  I watch a lot of Kdrama and Jdrama, listen to only kpop (I haven't a clue what the most recent mainstream music is) I read a lot and write fanfics. I play dating sims on my phone (because I'm a loser) I am the homework master, at the moment he only gets english homework and I love english.  I write my own stories (but never finish them because I get writers block, come back several months later and hate everything that I wrote) 
  I practically live off of snack food, coffee and monster energy drinks (I never said my regular health was any better) And hyperventerlate in the back of taxi's when they try and converse with me or make eye contact. 

  Known for making stupid noises really loudly in public, dancing in public, randomly exercising wherever I am, conversing with cute doggos, befriending cats and playing rock paper scissors with kids on the bus. Also I post a lot of animal videos, post memes daily and laugh at my own jokes (someone's gotta right?) Have regular contests in public with my best friend oh who can be the creepiest and weirdest out of the two of us, I usually win, he's just not willing to go as far as me. Regular tell people to ''Fight me, you little bitch'' and use loving words to call my partner like "dick" 

Well who feels like they know more about me? Now who's thinking she's a dick, let's leave before she notices? I won't be offended, you gotta be able to have control over your feelings to feel at will. 

Good night my friends! 

Terri =(^.^)=
xoxo